A Tale of Two Greaseballs

   I’ve always said that no matter how hectic my day gets, or how tired I am, that I would take the time to make myself look presentable everytime I go somewhere…and it’s a nice thought, but for anyone who has a toddler as demanding and as active as mine, it’s not at all practical.
   Today I was dying to get out of the house but knew that if I wanted to do so before 5:00 in the afternoon, I would have to cut some corners. So, against my better judgement, I went to the mall in a very…natural state.
   Yeah, that’s right. I walked right past the shower, slipped on a holey, faded-out pair of jeans, kept on the same sweater I slept in, stuck my dirty feet with the chipped toe-nail polish into some dime-store flip flops, and pulled my greasy, ratty hair into a sloppy ponytail. The only make-up I had on was smudged eye-liner left over from last night…and I think I even forgot to brush my teeth.
   So while I slump around the mall looking like I just climbed out of the pits of hell, Mia could’ve passed for a little paegant queen. Honestly, the child looked like she stepped right out of a magazine…beautiful curls done up perfectly in a fancy ribbon, cute little outfit to match, clean face, rosy cheeks. I’m sure people thought I had kidnapped her from loving parents who actually bathed.
   She wasn’t completely perfect, I guess. I noticed once we had been shopping for sometime that she was wearing the very same jacket that she had previously stuffed a PB&J sandwich in the pockets a week earlier…guess I forgot to wash it? AUG. I’ve got to be the world’s biggest slacker mom.
   A man approached me in the parking lot, catching me completely off guard and scaring the bejesus out of me. I was trying to get Mia in the car and he came right up behind me, claimed to be a "photographer" and asked if I had ever done any modeling…FREAKING CREEPY. He looked to be about middle aged, and was as sloppily dressed as I was. Something was very wrong with the man–he kept glancing all around and walked away a little too quickly when mall security drove by in their little SUV…I was not the least bit fooled, but I politely told him no and got into my car as fast as I could…fully prepared to stab him in the neck with my keys.
   I mean, geez. Do people really fall for that? Did I look that stupid? Or did I look trashy enough that even if I saw right through it that I would meet him anyway? And for the love of God, I had my baby with me! Honestly. People just scare the hell out of me these days. Neighbors, strangers…trust no one. It’s horrible.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

One response to “A Tale of Two Greaseballs

  • Kim

    Trust no one is my favorie quote.  That is down right creepy, I don’t know what I would have done.  I guess get in the car as fast as you can and hope they don’t follow.  YIKES!! 
    And can you believe how we’ll just go out looking like we just rolled out of bed?  I remember the days when I wouldn’t be caught dead without my makeup on, hair done and dressed for the occasion.  Now I’m lucky if I remember to take my slippers off before I leave for work. 

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