Today I read a blog from Barnyardmomma that really got me thinking about me and my kids, and kids in general, and me in general…I know, that is, indeed, more than my poor brain is used to processing…all at once anyway. ANYHOW, because of that ponderment, I feel inspired to write about "The Story of my Life". Ha! That would take too long. How ’bout I just write about my kids? It’s kind of the same thing.
I hear a lot of women say they just can’t imagine what it’s like to be a mom, to have kids…I simply can’t imagine what it’s like to NOT have them. I know I complain…a lot…but, if I had never had children, or, we’ll just start with if I had never had Cheyenne–where would I be?
The more I thought, the more…scared and disgusted I got with myself. Immediately, the answers came to my mind–"Who cares where you’d live, Toni? You’d be childless–and really, how boring is that? You’d have a job. Big woo. You’d be making money. So? What the heck would you do with it? Shop? You’d probably be dating an asshole simply because it would affect no one but yourself. You’d be a completely different person, most likely the type of person that you don’t like."
"But, Toni, you could go anywhere in the world! You could DO ANYTHING! Anything you wanted! You could’ve gone out at night and just stayed out. When you met Caleb, he would’ve had NO REASON WHATSOEVER to take it slow with you! He could’ve spent the night a billion times! For that matter, ANYONE could’ve spent the night whenever you felt like it! And you’d have a career! A CAREER, TONI! You could’ve bought new furniture and a new car and a new house! Just think of all the things you could’ve had, and everything you could have to offer someone! Not to mention your body–WOW! Can you imagine! Perfect boobs, firm tummy, tight bootie–and if you didn’t like something, you could’ve afforded plastic surgery! Are you sure you wouldn’t change anything?"
I hope I don’t offend all the non-moms out there as I write these things, but the truth is, I just wouldn’t be who I am today had I not made the choices I’ve made–however good or bad they were at the time…and I like who I am. I even like how I got here. I wouldn’t change anything even if I could.
If I had just STAYED HOME from that date when I was 15, if I had just KEPT MY FREAKIN’ LEGS SHUT…then Cheyenne wouldn’t exist. My quiet, thoughtful, intellegent, loving little Cheyenne…What a huge impact that tiny person has had on my life.
Yeah, I guess to a certain degree, things would have been easier…but where’s the fun in easy? Here’s a list of a few fabulous things having children has given me:
- I’m not completely anal about my stuff. I don’t care if the house is a little messy, as long as it’s sanitary. I don’t have to spend a ton of money on clothes and haircuts to make myself feel better, and if I get a stain on that brand-new shirt from Target, it doesn’t bother me…much.
- I am OKAY with my bad hair, my pitiful excuses for breasts, my belly, hips, thighs, and every other body part that is less than Paris-perfect. I’m over it.
- I get so much happiness from the smallest things–Mia’ sleepy little smile, Cheyenne’s cute sense of humor (the kid cracks me UP!)…I can do without what a lot of people consider neccessities. Life around here is down-right joyful.
- Words cannot describe how wonderful my husband is–Here is a man that thought long and hard as to whether or not to get deeply involved with a single mom–out of sheer love and respect for her child. I know that he is with me today not just because I was pretty, or friendly, or funny, or horny, or easy to be with by any means. Lord knows that by committing to a life with me and Cheyenne, Caleb took on many responsibilities, many difficulties, many inconveniences–but he did it anyway. I still have yet to figure out why.