WARNING–Deep Thoughts from the Twisted Mind of Me

   Today I read a blog from Barnyardmomma that really got me thinking about me and my kids, and kids in general, and me in general…I know, that is, indeed, more than my poor brain is used to processing…all at once anyway. ANYHOW, because of that ponderment, I feel inspired to write about "The Story of my Life". Ha! That would take too long. How ’bout I just write about my kids? It’s kind of the same thing.
   I hear a lot of women say they just can’t imagine what it’s like to be a mom, to have kids…I simply can’t imagine what it’s like to NOT have them. I know I complain…a lot…but, if I had never had children, or, we’ll just start with if I had never had Cheyenne–where would I be?
  The more I thought, the more…scared and disgusted I got with myself. Immediately, the answers came to my mind–"Who cares where you’d live, Toni? You’d be childless–and really, how boring is that? You’d have a job. Big woo. You’d be making money. So? What the heck would you do with it? Shop? You’d probably be dating an asshole simply because it would affect no one but yourself. You’d be a completely different person, most likely the type of person that you don’t like."
   "But, Toni, you could go anywhere in the world! You could DO ANYTHING! Anything you wanted! You could’ve gone out at night and just stayed out. When you met Caleb, he would’ve had NO REASON WHATSOEVER to take it slow with you! He could’ve spent the night a billion times! For that matter, ANYONE could’ve spent the night whenever you felt like it! And you’d have a career! A CAREER, TONI! You could’ve bought new furniture and a new car and a new house! Just think of all the things you could’ve had, and everything you could have to offer someone! Not to mention your body–WOW! Can you imagine! Perfect boobs, firm tummy, tight bootie–and if you didn’t like something, you could’ve afforded plastic surgery! Are you sure you wouldn’t change anything?"
   I hope I don’t offend all the non-moms out there as I write these things, but the truth is, I just wouldn’t be who I am today had I not made the choices I’ve made–however good or bad they were at the time…and I like who I am. I even like how I got here. I wouldn’t change anything even if I could.
   If I had just STAYED HOME from that date when I was 15, if I had just KEPT MY FREAKIN’ LEGS SHUT…then Cheyenne wouldn’t exist. My quiet, thoughtful, intellegent, loving little Cheyenne…What a huge impact that tiny person has had on my life.
   Yeah, I guess to a certain degree, things would have been easier…but where’s the fun in easy? Here’s a list of a few fabulous things having children has given me:
  1. I’m not completely anal about my stuff. I don’t care if the house is a little messy, as long as it’s sanitary. I don’t have to spend a ton of money on clothes and haircuts to make myself feel better, and if I get a stain on that brand-new shirt from Target, it doesn’t bother me…much.
  2. I am OKAY with my bad hair, my pitiful excuses for breasts, my belly, hips, thighs, and every other body part that is less than Paris-perfect. I’m over it.
  3. I get so much happiness from the smallest things–Mia’ sleepy little smile, Cheyenne’s cute sense of humor (the kid cracks me UP!)…I can do without what a lot of people consider neccessities. Life around here is down-right joyful.
  4. Words cannot describe how wonderful my husband is–Here is a man that thought long and hard as to whether or not to get deeply involved with a single mom–out of sheer love and respect for her child. I know that he is with me today not just because I was pretty, or friendly, or funny, or horny, or easy to be with by any means. Lord knows that by committing to a life with me and Cheyenne, Caleb took on many responsibilities, many difficulties, many inconveniences–but he did it anyway. I still have yet to figure out why.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

17 responses to “WARNING–Deep Thoughts from the Twisted Mind of Me

  • Alicia

    I saw your comment at the Barnyard and wanted to say I could not agree with this entry more.  Thanks Toni!!  :)

  • K

    Either way… life will take you where you need to be… and your life is full of rich experiences because you have a beautiful daughter… and there will continue to be many lessons to be learned and taught… and for that you are blessed.
    We always look at the grass as being greener on the other side… that isn’t always the case….  Trust me… I am without child… and for now it is by choice.  Until I can get my life in order with Papi… I’ll do what I can to remain childless…. for now.
    I have the utmost respect for the women who have chosen to be at home moms or simply… be moms… for that is a job that is far greater than any corporate career… it is more rewarding and far more challenging.
    You don’t ever have to justify who you are or the choices you’ve made…
    Ciao bella

  • Sheryl-Ann

    You didn’t offend me at all – what a beautiful entry! The truth is that we each have a different path in life.  Your path, with all of its twists and turns, is perfect for you and has clearly shaped who you are. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have kids and a family, but my path has not taken me there………yet. I would be telling an untruth if I said I yearned for a life with kids right now, but I would surely have no regrets if they came and I had to make some sacrifices for them………because frankly, that is exactly what my parents did for me.  Congrats to all you wonderful parents out there!

  • Sue

    Very well put Toni!  I feel the same way about my hubby.  Who knows what would have happened if I didn’t have my Drama Queen already.  He knew we were a package deal and welcomed it.  What a guy!  As one who was once a single mom, I have to say that my Drama Queen saved my life! 
    : ) Sue

  • barnyardmama

    damn it damn it damn it!  You mothers keep making me cry.  I must stop!!!
    From a woman who made it to 27 without any kids:
    1. I have big boobs–they kind of already sag.
    2. I gain weight in my stomach–by belly button ain’t no great thing.
    3. I think that any sex life will have cycles whether or not their are children involved.  It’s part of the natural process and either that nature is small bundles of joy or stress, complacency, and exaustion. 
    4.  I agree with you about the "big woo"  I did all the things I was supposed to do–I went and got my degree, got a job, proved myself, and now I’m wondering "what else?"  Seems like like is bigger than a job and money.  Looking around, it seems like family is what it’s all about.   I’m not saying that I’m going to abandon the career, but I know that it isn’t all there is to life.
    5. All that freedom?  Tonight I went to Walmart.  A Friday night at Walmart.  Clearly, that freedom thing is a bit overrated (although I know I clung to it for a few years there).
    Truth is, the things most worth doing will be hard.  If it’s easy, then it won’t make us grow and rise to the occasion.  Your entry put that it words beautifully and I think this is some of your best writing–got down to the core.  Thank you for sharing that.

  • BootCamp Princess

    That was a great entry!  I’m a ‘non childbearing woman’, who won’t be having children, but reading what you wrote was very inspiring and beautiful!  I’m really so happy to hear how happy you are!

    Sorry this is a ‘copied’ entry, but I wanted to say the same thing to all my friends…

    Can you email me your email address?  I’m starting a new blog, which is going to be funny, but I don’t want my family to read it…so I need to make it by invite only… I’m keeping the other one too, this new one is just for a thing I’m doing right now… you’ll get it when you read it… anyway, if you want the hookup, I just need your email.
    princessdarcys@gmail.com and I’ll hook you up.

  • Unknown

    just today i was riding alongside Caleigh in the backseat and said
    aloud: Caleigh do you know that you are the one single thing in this
    world that brings me sheer joy??  my mom had me at about the same
    age you had Cheyenne (just shy of sixteen) – and i once had a therapist
    tell me "Your mom resented having you; she resents you, how could she
    not?" and i thought HUH??  i don’t think my mom could imagine her
    life any differently.  i have never felt resentment.  anyway
    – i now also can’t imagine life as anything but a mommy. despite all
    the bitchin’ and moanin’ and gripin’ i do.

  • Michael

    Hey Toni…I found your space through Sherry…
    I love your space…your kids are adorable and you have a great story…and an awesome sense of humour to boot!    
    Take care,

  • Gamma

    Greetings from England.
    Hello there, I found you via Kelly’s Space. You have made me laugh, made me think and took my mind away from pain.
    I have you on my feeds so I’ll visit again.

  • barnyardmama

    I was out in blogland and noticed that you and Mocha have found each other!  Great!  I’m a match-maker at heart even if it is virtual friends.  Y’all are both amazing writers and I know I’ll learn a ton from both of you!

  • Darcy

    come see my ‘secret’ new site and my sort of secret new endeavor on http://www.spaces.msn.com/bootcampprincess :)
    Don’t need your addy anymore, cause the site is staying public… just don’t mention on my regular site.

  • Unknown

    Well, from what I can tell, you look great! I like your list about being a mom and loving it — all SO VERY TRUE. Oh, and P.S. I spend much of my time walking around in t-shirts that are stained from this and that, and most often, they are from Target!
    It’s good to love your life just the way it is…. otherwise, what’s the point? Good for you! It sounds like you have a beautiful one filled with awesome people.
    Take care.

  • Kadrin

    Hi, Here by way of Mike’s space : )
    Cute Children, funny but real blog. Take care, Kat

  • barnyardmama

    Yeah, I was grumpy, but hopefully I won’t be having these problems again any time soon–tomorrow the teacher will be out, but I’m just oign to cover–no sub in sight at this time of year.  It’s a shame, really. 

  • J

    First time here, and I love this blog. I’m a single mom too, so its nice to hear of happy endings :) I’m also the sister of Lizzies Infinite Abyss-nice to meet you.

  • LH

    He sounds like a wonderful man.

  • Nooner™

    Toni, I don’t know if you will see this comment of mine. You wrote this blog 15 days ago and somehow I missed it until today. I’m glad I caught it before it disappeared from view. What you write in any blog is important to you, and I am one of your several readers who feels it is important to read all that you write. I have an especial fondness for you, the humor we both seem to enjoy, your wonderful way with words, and how you have treated me with kindness and support.
    This is a particularly moving post. You are wonderful to feel the way you do about the material and personal things that you gave up by choosing the path you followed. Your Cheyenne and Mia and Caleb are wonderful people in your life and I enjoy hearing about them with each and every read.
    I envy you. I don’t write about my wife, MaryEllen, because she has been sick for so many years and I don’t feel it is positive to talk about someone when I have few happy things to share with anyone. I regret at times, like now, that I am foolish and write silly things like my break away from home and celebration with online folks I really don’t know that well anyway. KM was right in her dig at the end of her comment on my last blog of "does your wife know you were rubbing another woman’s feet". I offend certain people by my liberal actions, yet I want so much just to keep my sanity and my head above water with the pain and suffering around me that creaps into my mind and brings me down too.
    Caleb is precious. I too, married into a ready made family. My wife had an 8 year old when I met her and he lived with us until he went off to college at 18. Now he’s a success in his work, and married and doing all that wonderful stuff. But, it was not easy at times raising someone when I was not his biological father and resentment from my stepson ensued just because of that. I commend him for what he has done, and what he will continue to do.
    Your friend from afar,

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