I realize that people do care about weight loss/ being in shape/ healthy eating habits. So do I–I’m not bashing that. I also realize that it’s just not that easy for some. I’m just commenting on how it seems so many people are going crazy with the dieting and exercise to achieve that "celebrity" level of physical perfection…it’s all they think about, and when it doesn’t happen for them, they feel ugly and awkward and inadequate…I’m guilty of it, too, though, but this is just me ranting and raving. Gotta do it every once in a while. ~Toni

   Looking back, maybe I could’ve prevented it.
   This whole thing.
   This rant. It was probably my own fault.
   Maybe my shoes were too hot pink.
   Maybe if my hair wasn’t so greasy, it wouldn’t have shined so in the sunlight.
   Maybe I caught his eye with my "I’m a hot and sweaty mamma-jamma pushing a stroller uphill in 90 degree weather–don’t talk to me" attitude. Whatever possessed that nasty construction worker to yell out to me–rather enthusiastically I might add–this afternoon on my walk with Mia, I will never really know.
   Normally, I’m too busy huffing and puffing and wishing I were home eating chocolate instead of participating in this form of self-torture known as exercise, but today, the utter uniqueness of this comment caught me off guard:
"I bet you could hold me upside-down if you wanted to!"
   I’m still a little baffled–what the hell did that mean?
   I couldn’t help but laugh. What creativity!  
   In all actuallity, I should be upset. I am not the type of girl to get blatantly hit on, especially when I’m looking less than my best. And I’m what you would call a little short for my weight. So I’m quite sure this guy was messing with me. Unless he had really poor eyesight–in which case maybe he should hold off on buying his precious Skoal for a while and save up for a pair of glasses. Then he wouldn’t have mistaken the layer of back-fat I got goin’ on for rippling muscles…
   I could’ve settled for "Hey, nice legs!" or even the generic, all-purpose whistle. Or anything less confusing than that upside-down line.
   All of this went down about 10 minutes into my hour-long walk, so unfortunately, I had plenty of pondering time left before I made it back to the house. Rather than get myself worked up over the Joe-Dirt-On-Steriods (and when I say "on steriods", I mean only the mullet was longer and the teeth were fewer), I became enraged about the diet fads and workout crazes of today.
   I get so tired, and literally so sick, of the words "trans" and "anti-oxidants" and "organic" and, my personal unfavorite, "bad carbs vs. good carbs". I want to be as healthy as the next person, but not to the point of where I can’t enjoy a good peanut-butter and sprinkles sandwich every now and then. The way I see it, I should be able to exercise regularly and eat what I want to eat, within reason, of course, and my body will be what it is meant to be.
   If I have a little underarm jiggle, well, then I have a little underarm jiggle. If my bootie doesn’t fit into a size 5, I’m not going to cry. It’s not like I’m a freak because I’m not a Jessica Simpson clone, and I’m not going to work like a madman to get there. I don’t want to be one of those people that knows the scientific name of every muscle of the body and won’t rest until each one is fully developed and perfected. I’ve never met a spendidly happy dieting/workout monster.
   I’m not encouraging anyone to chow down on a bag of Double-stuffed Oreos every night for 3 weeks. I’m just saying that it’s probably okay to have a little pasta, or eat a little yogurt–it’s not going to kill you. Like my friend INKA said, "I’m so over trying to be a toothpick." Yeah, me too.
   I’d love to see magazine headlines with words like "Kind" or "Thoughtful" more often, rather than "Gorgeous" and "Sexy". What are my girls going to get from that?
   Must. Remember. Inner beauty.
   Alright. I’m done.
   This message was brought to you by the brick-laying, off-the-charts-Redneck working in my neighborhood today. Thank you, thank you.
   And yes, I most likely could hold you upside-down if I wanted to.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

20 responses to “VANITY

  • Nikki

    In response to your comment, I’m going to do a communications major.  I was a journalism major at UALR.  Hopefully my credits from there will transfer to the school here.

  • Darcy

    Hey girl!
    I COMPLETELY AGREE!  I am all about living life… if living life includes eating a chocolate bar, or having a beer or whatever fits into your life ‘in moderation’ then do it!  I like to excersise and workout as much as the next guy and when I do, I feel better about myself and generally feel better… which is the appropriate way to go about it… but depriving yourself and letting it consume you is no quaility of life as far as I’m concerned!
    Great entry… and you should have said to him ‘I could… but you’re neither hot enough or lucky enough for that today!’… as though you understood what the hell that meant… and FYI, I have no freakin’ clue either.
    Take care!

  • barnyardmama

    Ok, I’m with you girl.  I may want to be skinnier, but I’m just not givin’ up my cookies–you can have what you want, but not my cookies, and that’s final. 
    I saw a coyote wandering around in a Wichita neighborhood one night–I was glad to be in my car.
    Do you have jack rabbits?  They’re my favorite.

  • Casey & Phillip

    Hey girl, that was one of the greatest rants I’ve ever read. I only wish I was w/you when it happened. The shower went great. My mom’s mom came 84 y.o. that was a surprise. It’s strange how you don’t appreciate some people in your life til it’s almost too late. Anyway, I get my mommymobile thursday and were going to my dads lake this weekend so that’s whats going on. I hope all is well in praireland. Love ya’ll lots!

  • Elizabeth

    LOL! This was too great. The other night at Denny’s my sister and I got hit on by FOUR men just trying to get to our table!!! Mind you we had been chaperoning a graduation party, it was 3:00 in the am and MY face was painted like a pirate! I had a goatee…these men must have been this guys cousins from the southwest…same mullet and no teeth. I completely agree with you, inner beauty people!!!
    check out my latest entry…it’s especially for you Toni!
    :) lizzie

  • Dennis

    I am not tossing any cookies either.  Oh wait!  I have tossed my cookies.  At least I am not tossing them on purpose.
    Thanks for coming to my space.  It was so wonderuful of you to comment.
    I will certainly be back to yours.

  • barnyardmama

      Where to start?
    1. you must be a good writer (and not just ’cause I said so) b/c i was looking at these hot pink heels at TJ Maxx and the phrase ran through my head: "maybe my shoes were too pink"  Sound familiar?
    2.  Cool As$ painting chickie!
    3. I agree about putting people where they need to be.  My last teaching job was very isolated and I’m a social gal.  Now I have all kind of fun co-workers to gab with.

  • Nooner™

    I think he meant you were strong from seeing you push the stroller uphill. And you have the strength to hold him.
    May must be a month many of us are thinking about our shape. I began thinking of it this past week when I saw pictures of myself. Yuck. I didn’t realize that is how I looked to others. I did a blog today on a lifestyle change I need to incorporate to pare the pounds. I’m doing it for my heart and other organs, more than my looks. 
    Hey, you know what I would have yelled out to you if I was next to that construction worker? "Hey, Baby!  Nice new profile pic, Girl!"

  • Laura

    First of all, I love how you said "short for my weight" That is classic…
    I agree.
    I work out… when I get the chance.
    I eat healthy… when I feel like it.
    I know when to cut back and when I want to indulge… I go for it! I am not stick thin. I am 5’11" so I am already bigger than a lot of people out there. If I were that tall and very thin -well, I could be a super model, but that is not the point. As long as I can suck my stomach in, and fit in my tight pants I am good (and so is my hubby *winks*
    I do agree with inner beauty being important. Instead of "Five easy ways to look hot this summer", how about featuring "Five easy ways to make the workd a better place" geesh

  • Mercy

    Hold me upside down…I would’ve replied…
    hehehehe! Hugs,

  • K

    Hi hun… just wanted to say hello… great post today!
    Ciao bella
    (OK so it not dated today… but I’ve been a bit busy these days… only reading it today!!)

  • Michael

    Toni…you make me roflmao!  Peanut butter and sprinkles?? 
    I totally agree with you on the inner beauty… a woman’s inner beauty is far more attractive than the outside version…!;)
    As for the "hold me upside down" line…note to self…dont use this one!!hahaha
    Take care,

  • Alicia

    I don’t need to be a toothpick…I would settle for being a healthy weight and be happy with it.  I am only slightly overwiehgt, but it is affecting my back and causing tremendous pain, so I have been trying to do something about it.  I can agree with you on most of this post though…why are people who are ALREADY skinny trying to be more so?
    HUGS!!  :)
    P.S. Like the new colors!

  • Nooner™

    Oh, darn it.
    I’m here and no new blog.
    We need a Water Cooler.
    I need nearly a daily dose of my Toni, and I’m here on the same blog. I hate commenting on the same blog.. people may start talking about us .. lol.
    Do you believe people will start talking about us, Toni? .. lol .. OK, OK, I know .. they won’t .. It’s all part of my comedy routine. And you being a great friend to many of us online.  But, you and I have become friends of a sort. That I know! We’ve enjoyed each other’s blogs, and have a respect for our vast differences.
    Watch out what you say here in response! .. I’ll be back soon and will see it .. lol.

  • barnyardmama

    Did I mention I love the picture?

  • Nora

    Hi Toni,

    I dropped by from Lizzie’s space.  I like Okie’s they are sooo
    much better than Texans.  (Being a native New Mexican, I am sworn
    to hate them.) LOL. Besides my mom is an okie and we love her anyway.

    Very interesting comment that Joe Dirt laid on you.  I saw a
    bumper sticker today that said REDNECK PROUD.  Perhaps it was
    him.  I might come from Redneck roots, but I don’t feel the need
    to proclaim it like that. ; )

    I like the painting and was wondering is your background on your space your work?


  • David

    It all starts with the most solid foundation….your mind. Dammit life is just too short to worry so much about what other people think of you. Now im not just saying let yourself go, because exercise is good. But when you let it control your everyday activitys then it is just too much.

  • Nooner™

    I stole a blog site idea from you, Toni. I published a "A Peek at my 101". I don’t think I’ll do a full 101. 28 seemed to be enough .. lol.
    Here’s hoping you get through the next 3 hectic weeks of yours just fine. French toast, bacon and coffee await your online return 😉
    I might email you my cruise line banning story next time I have a drink in me on here .. lol.

  • Alice

    This entry was hilarious. And from someone living in the plastic capital of the south – I hear ya. I must be the only person in my neighborhood who says she hates to work out and doesn’t. I also abhor dieting and therefore don’t.  Forget about me – the girl that gave your girl her own stuff – that entry makes me want to cry – she is special and I hope the karmic circle pays her back.

  • TexasGirlJen

    You need to submit this to a magazine or something and try to get it published. Seriously. This is really good. Love it….and SO flippin true.

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