Fighting Insanity, For Real.

   It’s so beautiful outside today.
   I should be out on the back porch, or taking Mia for a walk, or playing catch with Cheyenne.
   I should be cleaning the bathrooms, folding clothes, or vacuuming.
   I should really brush my teeth and get dressed.
   I don’t think I’ll be doing any of that.
   This is a pretty personal thing to write…but I didn’t name my space FIGHTING INSANITY just because it sounded funny. I come from a long, biological line of crazy people, and, sometimes, I truly feel that’s what my brain is constantly doing–fighting off insanity, just trying not to go crazy.
   The last several weeks have been hell–on Caleb…and of course, the dogs. (See? There’s a smile!) I can’t shake this funk–and honestly, "funk" is fast becoming an inaccurate description of what I’m going through. I’m not myself. I can’t concentrate. I’m extremely short-tempered. I’m weepy. I’m tired. I’m unmotivated. I’m unsatisfied. I don’t care about anything. I’m mean, and I know it.
   I’m sure my poor husband feels like he got a lemon of a wife. I don’t know how to stop…being the way I am being. I’m just so dad-gum sad–for no reason. I have everything to be happy about. Case in point:
   Our company has been here for almost a week. So far, they have successfully mended both the cars, bought a whole bunch of cool stuff for everyone, cooked, cleaned, won over the kids, the dogs…We’ve gone for walks in the woods, played in the mud, the list goes on and on. I CAN’T HANDLE PEOPLE. The second night they were here, I had to fake a stomach ache and go to bed early because I was practically hyper-ventilating…Why? I have no clue.
   Caleb–that sweet, sweet man–brings home beautiful flowers for me everyweek. He does more than his share of housework. He takes care of the girls. He keeps an eye on the dogs. He even bought me these really great shelves to put my art supplies on. But I am absolutely horrendous to him. No matter what he does, or says, or buys…I find the one, tiny, negative thing in the situation and I hold onto it…tight.
   This sort of thing has been happening on and off for the last 2 years or so…never has it been this intense.
   I can’t stop crying.
   I can’t stop feeling angry.
   I can’t stop being tired.
   I know there’s a million things I could do to improve my mood. But at this point, I don’t care. I don’t want to. I’m awful.
   I thought it would feel better to write about it, but it’s not working.
   Mia’s sleeping. I think I’m going to go take a nap.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

9 responses to “Fighting Insanity, For Real.

  • Darcy

    Hi Honey!
    I completely relate to what you are feeling… I get like that about three times a year and it usually lasts for quite some time… I can’t give you any advice, because there’s nothing I can do in the situation to make it go away either…. it usually just goes away… what I DO know is that obsessing about making it go away doesn’t help.  What does help me is to tell people about it… Even in vague detail…. Tell Caleb if you haven’t, and tell him you don’t know what to do to fix it… be a little bit vulnerable…. other than that, I wish I could just come and give you a big hug and lay on the sofa and watch cartoons with you till you felt better! 
    Love you!

  • Kim

    Hey Toni!
    I get the same way from time to time so don’t feel bad.  Women are sensitive by nature and a little off the wall :)  Caleb probably understands this is just a phase you go through from time to time.  If he didn’t understand my guess is that he would have bolted a long time ago.  Set aside time for you every week so you don’t get so overwhelmed, it might help.
    Feel better soon!

  • Michael

    Hey Toni…sorry to hear you are having a funkinduced week…take a deep breathe and exhale…if you want you can come rant on my space any time you want!;)…hope today is better!
    Take care,

  • Sue

    I know that feeling.  I don’t know what it is though.  I just live with it.  Hubby works so many hours he doesn’t catch on.  For a couple of years, I was in bed or on the couch the majority of the time he was gone.  I started anti-depressants, but then I felt nothing at all.  That was almost scarier.  I feel myself starting to fall again.  It started a week or two ago.  just sad, tired, crying at the drop of a hat, no one to understand it or even feel it for a moment. 
    Maybe you should go get that checked out by a doctor?  Maybe me too?  hmm…
    hope you feel better!
    : ) Sue

  • Tiffany

    I am the same way with Jessie.  He is great, and I always find ways to yell or scream at him.  I also have a line of people with disorders that I am supposedly capable of having.  I truly just go a little everyday.  You will come out of this just as before.  Keep looking at those girls, and remember…you made them.  That keeps me smiling.  Oh and they love me even when I am horribly mean.  So that helps too.

  • Josh

    You’ve got a great Space here, your honesty and candor when it comes to yourself is something to be commended.
    I wish I knew what you’re going through like some of the others here, because I’d be happy to give you a word of encouragement from experience. But I do know that the help and kind words from others is invaluable.
    Maybe not right at this moment, but once things settle a bit and you start feeling better, it’s nice to look back and see all the support that was there for you…and know that they’re still right there with you.

  • Elizabeth

    Hi Toni,
    Well I think that as you can tell by the other comments. You are not alone. I wonder if this is a female horomone thing. I am EXACTLY the same way. I treat my husband like shit most days. Why is that so easy for me? I also feel sad, emotional and angry. I am sorry you feel so bad lately. Maybe a trip to the doctor will help. Let us know how you are feeling. I think that venting always helps. Also, maybe try putting all your feelings into your art!.
    Take Care, Lizzie

  • Alicia

    Have you ever thought about couseling or a medication, hunny??  Thinking about you….
    HUGS!!  :)

  • Rosebay

    Hmmm sounds all too familiar. I’ve been crying for days. <sigh>
    My mother is manic-depressive. So is my brother. I seemed to have escaped it execpt for occational (situational) depression.
    Feel better soon. If you ever need a "stranger" to talk to, Email me.

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