WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…

   ALRIGHT ALREADY. I’m finally getting around to slapping down the tag that Mikey so generously bestowed upon me a few weeks ago. Thank you for that, you tootsbusted fool.
   I just want you people to know that it has taken me literally FOREVER to read through ya’ll’s spaces. But it was worth it.
   Here goes: MY VERSION OF THE PERFECT LOVA:
  1. HE must be strong. LIKE BULL. It’s not that I’m into looks–You could be a leprechaun for all I care, but he that aims to please me must pass the power-bomb test. Can you pick me up? Can you throw me on the bed like a sack of potatoes? That’s all I really need.
  2. HE would ideally be FLEXIBLE–up for anything, anywhere, anytime. Morning, noon, and night. And sometimes right before dinner. And right after. And then again a few hours later.
  3. HE is a total ROMANTIC. By this I mean, not only will he put forth the thought and effort into a relationship/ sexual rendevous (i.e. candles, roses, wine…) he will find the romance in everyday things, like sharing the last tomato with me, or watching a beautiful sunset on the top of a hill while picking stickers out of my foot with tweezers because I was too stupid to put shoes on while chasing after the dogs. You know, stuff like that.
  4. HE has to LAUGH. Hard. A lot. With me, at me, at himself. He will appreciate all types of humor including, but not limited to, sarcasm, goofiness, silliness, raunchiness, childishness…the list goes on and on. If I pop in Bad Santa, or Old School, or SpiceWorld, he must have tears rolling down his cheeks. Find the humor and own it, bub.
  5. HE is GENTLE. To me, to children, to animals. He will be as close to freakin’ Saint Francis as he can get without crossing the line into sissy-boy.
  6. HE is TOUGH, when he needs to be. He’s not scrappy per se, but if he had to stick up for his family, he’d totallly be able to channel his inner Tony Montana.
  7. HE has one helluva SEXY VOICE. Oh. My. God. Nothing makes me melt like the sound of a deep voice…and nothing makes my skin crawl more than a horrible, high-pitched nasal squeal coming from guy. On the phone, face to face, in bed or out, the sound of my perfect lover’s voice better make me go weak in the knees.
  8. HE is helplessly, hopelessly, 100% PASSIONATELY IN LOVE with me, and vice-versa. The kind of love that makes your tummy hurt–no, not butterflies. I’m talking real stomach cramps. That’s hard-core love right there. The kind of love where every song you hear, you think about the other person, even if it’s Chef’s "Chocolate Salty Balls". The kind of love where you can’t picture life with anyone, and I mean ANYONE, else, and the very thought of it makes you want to go stick your head in an oven. The kind of love where the possibility of the other person being unhappy for one moment brings tears to your eyes. The kind of love that stays strong…even when you don’t realize it, even when it doesn’t feel like it…it’s still there, and deep down, you know it always will be.

   Anyone who wants this tag is welcome to have it. Rules: something about 8 things, perfect lover…toss in somewhere male or female…pass it along to a few other folks…There. I feel…satisfied.

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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

12 responses to “WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…

  • Andrea

    Wow that is a tall order.  I agree with it all except 8.  I had the I need him right along with the rest of your list.  And he cheated with every woman I knew and some I only found out about later.  I needed him so much I put up with it for 7 years.  I still think of him and the few times I have spoken all the need comes right back.  I left him 11 years ago, and the hardest thing I have every done was face his pain in the courthouse.  Thank God for his anger, it gave me the strenght to end it.  I had given so much of myself I was 30 lbs under weight at the time I left. 
     
    Please think about the other methods and causes before you go back to the Dr.  But please do a follow up soon.  It will be so good for you and your family to have this issue resolved.  Please stay in touch.  I know how you feel.  I really do.  It took years but I am now normal.  Wishing you the best. 

  • Elizabeth

    …wow stick your head in the oven Love! You have such a way with words Toni!… I also like to be thrown on the bed like a sack of potatos! 
    Hugs, Lizzie
     
    PS GUUURLLLL you are right it is HOT here!

  • Rosebay

    Great list.  I’m sure hubby fits the bill. Enjoy your day!

  • Laura

    Toni, I love ya girl! This was a great list. I agree, he needs to be very gentle but tough at the same time. I need a guy to be able to pick me up, too. You crack me up. I like that you find romance in Choclate Salty Balls… BMac would probably fall in love with you if he ever met you! ha ha. We are nerds too. We act so silly and goofy around eachother. I love humor, and I agree that is very important. Geez, I was supposed to do this tag like a week or two ago, I might as well just get it out of the way, since I am practically doing it here…

  • Laura

    Oh yeah, your comment on my blog cracked me up. Unless you’re going TO DO IT… I laughed my ass of.

  • Sheryl-Ann

    Wow, that is quite a list Toni (smile)! I especially like #7 – there is indeed nothing like a sexy voice!
     
    Hope your week is going well.

  • Dennis

    I feel so naked now …………………..
     
     
    EZ

  • TexasGirlJen

    Well, if you find that guy….. let me know if he has a brother.
     
    lol
     
    j/k
     
    It’s been so long since I thought about what I’d want, I doubt I could complete that list. SIGH.
     
    Take care.
     
    j

  • barnyardmama

    It’s funny because I think this story I’m working on now should be held right up to the Charlie story–teaching has super-highs and super-lows.  Kind of like life.  Funny that you would comment on what I was thinking, but not saying.
     
    Love your list–the picking you up thing?  I know exactly what you mean.
     
    KM

  • Laura

    Too funny, "hmmm…he does travel alot…"
    Just shows we have good taste… or maybe they have good taste!
     

  • Nooner™

    Wow … Caleb’s my long-lost brother! … Ya better let TexasGirlJen know .. lol
     
    xo
    Nooney

  • Michael

    By the way…you are such a good sport…but spiceworld??  making any man watch that is down right twisted & evil!;)
     
    Mikey

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