I hate to do this.
I hate to write another entry about my moodiness and my inability to control it.
Last night was the worst. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think–yet my thoughts were racing…at a pace so fast I couldn’t focus in on any particular one. This morning I have an incredible headache from attempting to process the things that flew through my brain…I finally drifted off around 3:00 a.m…and I’m surprisingly not a bit sleepy now, 4 hours later. Just tense as hell.
It is literally a fight for me to stay calm these days. I would say 80% of the time, I’m struggling–hard–not to fly off the handle…not to show my anger, sometimes my rage, my pessimism…but I know that it manages to seep through my happy face. I just don’t know if the kids notice. Lord know the dogs do.
Caleb is out of town for now. I’m glad. He needs a break from me. I dread the thought of him coming back tonight and seeing me like this…or rather, experiencing me like this.
Last night, Cheyenne had a game. I didn’t go–her coach took her. I had the baby as my excuse–we wouldn’t have gotten back until 11:00, and Mia couldn’t possibly make it that late, right? The truth is, I still can’t stand being around people…especially lots of people that I don’t know. I was practically choking thinking about everyone that would be at that field. I don’t want to go to the store. I don’t want to leave the house.
And I certainly don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow–the mean, old man who will ask me all kinds of questions that will make my head spin and my eyes tear up, who will look at me funny, yet treat me with fake sympathy, while in his head I’m sure will think I’m either a serious nut job, or a serious liar. He’ll notice the humongous zit on my face and laugh on the inside at me.
And then he will tell me that it’s not wise for a wacko like me to have anymore kids, that I would surely loose it, and that he wants me to take some kind of medication that will turn me into a robot…he’ll tell me there’s no possible way I can get through this without it. He’ll ignore my theory of a hormone problem, or even a thyroid problem, and send me straight to a psychologist who will look at me the same, disapproving way, and who will charge me a whole lot more money.
So why bother?
Thank God that Caleb is supposed to come with me, otherwise, I probably would skip it, and end up driving around the city for an hour so Caleb would think that I did go. The thought has crossed my mind to ask him to stay home so I could do just that.
I feel like this right now. Perhaps in half an hour, I will have totally changed my mind, and I will be happy and positive and bright and shining and ready for the new day and all it has to offer.
Or, I might come crashing down entirely and sob loudly on the couch for the rest of the day, or until I fall asleep. That’s highly likely, too.
AAAUUUUGGGHHH! I can’t stand myself right now.
FIGHTING INSANITY 
June 14th, 2006 at 3:05 PM
Go to the doctor. I went two weeks ago. Yes, he put me on some meds,(Effexor) but I do not feel like a robot. I use to feel like what you have just described. Now, I feel like myself. I do not fly off the handle for no reason. My husband and kids are happy to have "me" back.
I almost did not go. I wanted to canceled. If it was not for my husband, I would of. Now I am so glad that I went. You might have some side affects at first, but the go away.
Good luck.
June 14th, 2006 at 4:03 PM
Toni,
I really don’t know what to say but I hope that you know you have a circle of friends here in the blogsphere and that it probably helps talking and writing about how you feel.
You are a great Mom and I think you should go to the doctor to find out what they can do to help. Take care and I am here if you need me.
Hugs, Lizzie
June 14th, 2006 at 4:07 PM
It’s not insanity. It’s just life. You are doing well to write about it and you write about it well. Knowing youself and your feelings is really important. Be well.
June 14th, 2006 at 4:29 PM
You’re doing the right thing.
Remember who cares about you and take care of the kiddos.
It is a lot of work, and very worth the effort.
June 14th, 2006 at 5:29 PM
I’m really glad Caleb is going with you. I’ve had the Hub go with me before. Have you tried the drugs? I don’t feel at all like a robot, but every person is different. No one is going to judge you, but Drs can be pricks–but then, a lot of them were pricks before they became drs. I got my first good one this year.
I’d go in with a list of symptoms. If you bring your A game, he’ll have to too. And you’re not crazy–you’re an actual human being. We go through stuff.
KM
June 14th, 2006 at 5:39 PM
Toni, my heart goes out to you. I am so sad that you are frustrated. I really hope you go to the doctor. There will always be questions if you don’t. It is hard to go when you are feeling so paranoid, but you are a strong girl. I hope to hear some better news when you get back. Try out what he has to say, and try the meds. You can always stop if you don’t like them, but you owe it to yourself to try them out!
June 14th, 2006 at 6:18 PM
Toni, I feel your frustration through your writing. You simply must go to the doctor tomorrow and I am sure happy that Caleb is going with you. You need to get to the bottom of this and the sooner the better. I have heard horror stories about certain medications but do some research before you go to see the doctor so that he will not try to push anything over on you.
Cheer up (at least try to) and I will be praying for you. Blessings!
June 14th, 2006 at 7:05 PM
Hey Toni…I AM NOT WHOOPED! ;)…ok maybe a little whooped…it’s my own doing…what can I say…Liz is great! The fat bastard bottle is rather plain but the label has a picture of a cartoonish hippo…very cute…god I can’t believe I’m so whooped I’m calling things "cute" now…;)
Go see the doctor and if you don’t feel good about your visit make an appointment to see a different doctor if you can…I know we did this with dad when he was sick…keep talking…keep writing because the alternative of keeping it stored inside is far worse than unleashing…the offer to vent on my space is always open!
Take care,
Michael
June 14th, 2006 at 7:26 PM
Toni,
I can understand what you are going through. Sometimes a person experiences things that are very traumatic to them. When this happens, the symptoms you have described occur. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If they do just kick them in the…..! I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I felt the same way you describe. I even started withdrawing from the world. If it were not for a loving, caring wife and faith in God, I wouldn’t be blogging today. It does take a lot of self work but in the end it is worth it.
All of the other comments are good ones. Please listen to them. Bloggers who have run across your site and have left comments do care.
Peace & Blessings.
June 14th, 2006 at 8:55 PM
I had your same fears, I really did. I fought it for a long time, until my hubby couldn’t take it anymore and said. "Where is my Laura?". I knew then I at least had to try something.
Left my e-mail if you want to write…
June 14th, 2006 at 11:15 PM
Toni,
You are so good writing these feelings and just getting out of you a little. You are so intense that I can feel your frustration and pain. I do not know what to say, I just hope you realize I am here if you need me. It might only be the computer, but talk to me anytime. I think a doctor could help, and if he does recommend medication, try it. I have. I was insane…truly for about three years. I had to try four meds…but I am coming out of it.
Think about it…hug those girls…and take deep breathes.
It is so worth it to at least figure it out…Hugs and I will throw some prayers in your direction. Tiffany
June 15th, 2006 at 1:36 AM
Toni,
I wish there was something I could do or say to help. But, I really can’t. I hope you do go to the doctor and that they are able to help. Really talk to the doctor, make him/her realize you aren’t willing to just go on any medication just because… I’m here for you if you need to talk. You know that. Call any time. Or I’ll call you. Whichever. I wish I could BE there for you.
lots of love,nikki
June 15th, 2006 at 2:32 PM
I’m with KM, print out these blogs, highlight the parts that have the symptoms listed and make him read them… Don’t let him brush you off in 5 minutes because he has a waiting room full of people… MAKE him talk to you! And don’t leave Caleb at home for heaven’s sake… he’ll be so much more able and willing to accept what you’re going through if he goes with you!
I don’t know what else to say… I feel just awful foryou! It’s so hard going through this stuff, and it’s like you’re the only person in the world that is going through it… like you’re whining all the time and only ever have negative things to say… is that how you feel? You aren’t the only one, you’re not only being negative and we’re all here for you! Take your time, like I said, you can’t MAKE this go away in a day… Sob on the couch till you fall asleep…go and buy icecream and watch cartoons… just because you’re married and have kids doesn’t mean you have to be superwoman and not take care of you! Us single people have it a bit easier, because if I cry on the couch and eat icecream, unless I tell someone, they won’t know, but you have the same right to take care of you and do what you need to do, and your family WILL understand!
Loving you pretty lady!
D
June 15th, 2006 at 4:24 PM
Hey chica! I wanted to come by and tell you I’m going out of town for the weekend and have no idea wetherI’m going to be anywhere near an internet connection. I am still bringing my laptop because I want very much to know how your Dr appointment went, so you better go and give us some kind of report.
Wow, I’m bossy–damn teacher, can’t turn it off when she needs to.
KM
June 15th, 2006 at 5:04 PM
Hey Toni …I do hope you make it to the docs today. Don’t worry about what the doc will think of you …who cares …as long as he is able to help you. That’s what their there for and believe me …I’m sure they’ve seen far worse. Medications are a funny thing. I don’t take any (maybe I should) but I know those that do. It’s important to be careful and realize that if they do put you on meds that just to make you feel better …whatever is bothering you will still be there and need to be addressed. I think you’re doing the right thing. You’ll be feeling better in no time!
June 15th, 2006 at 9:36 PM
Toni,
The silly Nooner is not talking to you. Your friend Nooney is now.
As you may have gathered from reading many blogs of mine, the majority are comic, yet you may have seen a glimpse or two of the serious side of me.
I hope you know, or remember that, I have been through lots and lots with regards to health care issues pertaining to my wife and others around me.
Write me a simple one sentence email to give me an email addy to write to you and I will write you back in detail to give you lots of food for thought. I would be happier than hell to reach out to you to tell you of similar experiences and offer some things for you to think about re what you are experiencing.
xo,
Nooney
June 16th, 2006 at 2:45 AM
Hey sista!
I’m so glad the appt went well! I’m interested to hear about it! And yes, the feeling is well described as lonely! Even though you know there are others out there, it’s like a stigma and you feel like the only one on the planet going through it… heck, most of the time you feel like the only person on the planet period!
My little harp about people not signing in wasn’t directed at you guys that know my other site… it was directed at the people doing bootcamp with me (which is called Soldiers of Fitness), who are lurking around my site, which they come to from the message board…I can SEE that it says the stat says they come from the Soldier’s of fitness profile page of mine, and yet, they don’t say boo… grrrr!
I’m off to bed, but yours will be the first site I check tomorrow to see how things are… You should feel loved, because even though we don’t know you, I speak for all of us if I may when I say that we DO love you! And want you to feel happy! But I know that sometimes it’s just not in there and that’s okay too…. hahah… listen to me give advice… when I get like this, I’m irrational and inconsolable…. well, that’s why we have eachother right?
Loving you!
D