I CAME. I SAW. I CLAMMED UP.

   Thank God for Caleb. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without that man.
   I went to the doctor today, although the entire 30 minute drive there was spent trying to convince my husband that it was not a neccessary trip. I felt so good today, maybe a little jittery, but that was just nervousness.
   When we finally had our face-to-face time (after the customary pee-in-the-cup ritual) with the man, he asked point blank:
   
   "So, what can we do for you?"
 
   I DON’T KNOW, DOC. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.
 
   "I’ve spoken to your ob/gyn doctor. The symptoms you discussed with her–are you still having them?"
 
   YOU’VE SPOKEN TO MY GYNECOLOGIST? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
 
   "Has there ever been a time when your husband says you’re not right?"
 
   And this is when my knight in shining armor pipes up, "Do you mean, has there ever been a time when she is right? No."
   My sweetheart.
   I had to bust out my trusty list of problems in order to remember everything I wanted to say, but I got through it, and by the time I did, the doctor was ready.
 
   "I’m not so sure about the manic depression. I think what we have here is more a case of depression with anxiety. I’d like you to try this medicine that should put you on an even keel–and I’ll see you in 2 weeks."
 
   YOU’VE SPOKEN TO MY GYNECOLOGIST?
 
   Okay, that was the very boiled down version. We asked 2 million questions, reviewed all the facts plus some obscure possibilities. The doctor was extremely thorough. He ordered blood work, went over all the options, and came up with a gameplan as far as future treatment went. Overall, I felt pretty satisfied with the appointment.
 
   Depression and anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety. Anxiety? I’m going to be trying a little something called Lexapro (sp?). Apparently it’s all the rage among people such as myself, and it’s (of course!) said to be very helpful in treating symptoms of depression. I’m told I will feel a difference in my mood within 7-10 days, with the full effects of the drug kicking in after about a month. A pill full of goodness and love once a day, every day, for as long as it’s helping. Great. In theory, I should be able to easily wean myself off of it when we’re ready to get pregnant, but I was hoping I could only take it long enough to get me out of this funk, and then prevent another "episode" entirely with diet and exercise, journals, yoga and all that stupid bullsh*t…
   I know, I know. It’s just a thought. I can’t stand that I need medication (expensive medication at that) for something so seemingly ridiculous (in my mind) as ANXIETY. I don’t even understand what that means. Anxiety from what? How? When did I develop this? The depression, I understand…sort of. I’m weepy and tired and unmotivated. Textbook depression, right? Easily accepted. Guess I better do some more research.
   I will be writing about this more, I’m sure, in weeks to come, but hopefully I can tone it down a little, at least to where my mom’s not calling me everyday and making sure I’m not going to murder something or drown in my own tears. The poor woman. I tried to make her understand that I’m just venting–yes, I do feel this way, but no, I’m not going to skip an appointment or act on any of the crazy thoughts that run through my head. They’re just thoughts. But you know moms…She’s a wonderful woman.
   With everyone’s comments and all the phone calls and e-mails I’ve been getting, I feel just showered with love and attention. It does make me feel pretty damn good, just so everyone knows that their kind words and thoughts and prayers are not in vain. It’s no cure, but it’s nice to know you care. Really nice.
   I will try to make it around to everybody–I’ll check out some spaces, e-mail my friends, and call my family. I’ll be a good girl. I’ll stay connected. I won’t let myself drop again. And I’ll try to write some cheerful crap everyonce in awhile. Thanks to everyone, especially my family, and most importantly, to my Caleb, who puts up with me and tries his darndest to keep me where I need to be.
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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

16 responses to “I CAME. I SAW. I CLAMMED UP.

  • Elizabeth

    Toni, I am glad that you went to the doctor and that you are venting and most importantly communicating the problem rather than bottling it up. Sending good vibes your way… and you are right, Caleb is a wonderful guy!
     
    Hugs, Lizzie

  • Michael

    Hey Toni…glad to hear you cleared the first hurdle..anxiety can happen to anyone at anytime…I have a good friend who two years ago had it so bad he was having  panic attacks…he wouldn’t go anywhere with large groups of people…malls, hockey games etc…and you know the male ego…never admit when something is wrong…it finally took him about 6 months on medication before he started feeling himself…
    so cut yourself some slack and recuperate and I will try not to put so much pressure on you to tour with the band!;)
    Take care,
    Michael

  • Tiffany

    This is good news, and anxiety is much better than manic depression.  It is a good thing you saw another doctor.  WAY TO GO CALEB!  Husbands are the best, even when we think they are forcing us in the wrong direction, we realize they were right all along.
    I am so happy you can have more babies.  That is wonderful. 
    Keep getting it out of your system.  You will explode if you keep it in.
    Hugs and Prayers just for you,
    Tiffany
     

  • Nooner™

    Yay!!!!
    You did it!
    I take Lexapro too, Toni.
    Many of us do!
    And look at me .. Happy as a Lark .. lol.
    Within a month or so you’ll be your ol’ self again … and I’m talking TonisCrazy kind of self … the wonderful person so many of us came to love on here!
    Hang in there and religiously the one a day as recommended, and TonisAnxious will return to TonisCrazy very, very soon.  I promise.
     
    ~Nooney~

  • Sheryl-Ann

    Wonderful news, Toni! I am really happy that you went to the doctor and talked everything through with him. This could happen to anybody and the important thing is that you took the necessary steps to take care of it. Keep positive and I am sure the medication will do its job.
     
    Blessings and have a great weekend!

  • Sandy

    I’m glad that you went to the doctor. I take Effexor XR.  Now for the first day or so, that is when you’ll feel the most of the side affects.  As your body gets use to the meds.  But they will go away.  I had slight nausea, dizzyness and yawning.  Can you believe that yawning is a side effct? 
    Raven

  • K

    I’m glad you went to your doctor and you found a way to ask all your questions, got all the answers you needed and now have a game plan!  That in itself is a relief… a huge weight off your sholders!  It’s not uncommon to have depression + Anxiety… I’ve had and got through it.  At best – almost all of us will go through that at least once in our lives!
     
    I’m glad things are going well… or better I should say.  Continue to take good care of yourself… and Happy Father’s Day to your Caleb… a good man indeed!
     
    Ciao bella + much love,
    KC

  • Andrea

    Good luck and just remember there are no magic beans.  This will be a trial and eror time just be patient.  I went with my hubby last night to get my truck and we had about 2 hrs to talk.  Now we have been married 10 yrs so we do not talk a lot.  But last night we were just having fun.  I laughed.  It felt  so good.  That is when it really hit me how much better I am now.  I have a great time now and the bad ones don’t last.  Well good luck and stop by when you get the chance.  And as I told Bolnde Mamma WE HAVE TO VENT OR WE EXPLODE  See we don’t fart and belch like men.  So it has to get out somehow.  Well see ya.

  • miranda

    Hi!

    I just started my own blog and decided to go around to some of the spaces I’ve been enjoying, while deciding on if I should start my own, and say hi. The only thing I’ve ever wanted consistantly my entire life is to be a wife and a mom, you’re living my dream! Hehe. Well, my dream doesn’t include any dogs, but close enough. : )

    Anyway, you sound (read?) like an amazing, strong and caring person and I just thought I should let you know I think so.

    Take care,
    Miranda

  • Aaron

    Anyone who speaks about Gynecology on their blog is alright in my book, lol.  I just dropped by your site from a comment you left on The Barnyard.  I really like your sites.  I love your deep thoughts list.  The Zoolander one is totally classic.  Anyway, feel free to stop by my site, I’ll for sure be coming back here.
     
    have a good night.
    Aaron.

  • barnyardmama

    Toni–checking in post rehearsal dinner.  Anxiety–the feeling of apprehension one gets  before normal events such as soccer games, work, etc.  This is very normal and can go hand in hand with depression.  I am glad that your doctor didn’t suck.  I will check in with you more fully on Sunday.
     
    Katy

  • Carol

    I have heard good things about this drug.  Taking a drug for depression or anxiety is not a bad thing.  If you needed meds for diabeties, or high blood pressure you would take them.  These feelings you have are not good. Also, Anxiety, Depression, what is the difference?   They both make you feel terrible!  You are blessed with  Caleb.  You need to get on some kind of medication , if not for yourself then for him.  Good Luck my friend

  • Laura

    I thought for sure I had already commented this post, but maybe not. I am so glad Caleb was there to support you and help you out. That helps so much. So, are you feeling any better now that you went and got it over with? I know it will be a while to see anything with the meds, but you are on my mind (along with a million other things, but alas, you ARE there!) and I am hoping you get back to your sassy self

  • LH

    I am so glad you went.  I am more glad that you have something to help you out right now.  Just remember it isn’t a failure it is a step in the right direction.  Take care!

  • Kim

    Hey Toni, glad to hear your appointment went well.  Good idea you had, writing down your list ‘o problems.  I know if it were me I would forget half of what I wanted to ask and then question the reason I was there in the first place.  Happy First Day of Spring!

  • Kim

    See what I mean …I meant to say Happy First Day of Summer!!

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