Again with the bandwagon thing…

   Alright. You know when an Oprah episode holds my attention for more than 2 commercials, the topic is good. And being that 2 other bloggers on here elaborate on the same subject, I’m not going to withhold my opinion.
   What is my opinion? The truth is I’m not even sure. I would’ve written in on this a while back, but I’ve been searching for words that accurately describe the emotion that come with the thought of marriage and what it really means to me personally.
   It seems many people enter this commitment with roses and candles on the brain–their ideal relationship would involve all things chocolate thrown in with endless pledges of love and devotion…as someone who’s been married twice (yeah, sometimes I hate admitting that, and perhaps that totally invalidates anything I have to say on the matter) I can honestly say, and I hate saying it, that Oprah…is…right. We’ve been totally screwed by romance in this country.
   Maybe marrying young was the only problem the first time around. (Oh, you think?!) I went in with the highest of expectations…and came out with many lessons learned only 2 years later. Why bother with marriage when my own proved to be a disaster, and most other married couples I knew seemed equally miserable?
   Obviously that was just the pain of divorce talking, because less than a year after the paperwork was signed, I met Caleb. It’s crazy how easily we put behind bad memories when certain people come along. I fell in love with him so fast and so hard and I can honestly say it was a feeling unlike any other I had ever felt. Marriage wasn’t on my mind; I only knew that he was a person I wanted to be around…a person that I would’ve been happy to be able to count as just a friend. But I loved him, I loved him…and I wanted him in my life as long as he wanted to stick around.
   Getting married the second time has its advantages. I don’t claim to be any wiser, by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have more realistic expections. The relationship I have with Caleb is the least selfish relationship I’ve ever had with anyone, save my children…although I know I still have my "me" moments…and unfortunately they’re not as few and far between as I’d like to think they are.
   Caleb is a good human being. He is kind, and warm. He’s strong in both mind and body, and I trust him and respect him. But I know that to count on one single person for every ounce of my happiness is just asking for trouble. I know that he will never be able to meet my every need or cater to my every whim. I could survive without him.
   My husband doesn’t "complete" me; he complements me. He gets me–and that is a tremendous feat in itself. He gets me and lets me be me…if that makes any sense. I have a feeling it does to the people who know me personally. We are very opposite in some ways–but we have many of the same ultimate goals, the same ideals. We have a strong friendship…the romance makes an appearance when time and energy (and Mia) allow.
   I think a lot of people, maybe even subconciously, are out there thinking "What can this person offer me? What can this person do for me?" when entering into a marriage…and that’s where they get it wrong; that’s where I got it wrong the first time.
   I won’t lie; I’m not totally giving and unselfish. I know I could use some work in that department. But my biggest wish for my husband is to be happy; I hope he is comfortable and at peace with himself no matter where life takes him.
   Caleb; tomorrow is an anniversary of sorts for us–the day we met. What a night. You were so charming; and you danced like nobody’s business. To this day I’ve never known anyone who could be such a dirty bastard and yet act like the perfect gentleman as good as you. You make me laugh. I know that we will continue to grow and change; I look foward to it. I’m sure in 50 years, as I’m pushing you in your wheelchair, huffing and puffing through the sand of a beautiful beach somewhere, taking a hit from your oxygen tank every couple steps because, after all, I’ll be close to 80 by then, I’ll lean over and whisper "I love you" and mean it just as much as I did the first time I said it. And through your electronic voice combobulator, you’ll try to say it back, only you’ll sound like a computerized Arnold Schwartzenagger…but I’ll know what you mean.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

4 responses to “Again with the bandwagon thing…

  • Sheryl-Ann

    How sweet, Toni.  You must make sure that Caleb reads this:)  I think that too many people go into marriage expecting the person to make them happy, to fill a void.  Bad move!  You must find happiness within, you must be satisfied with you you are and that way you two will be able to complement and enhance each other.  Many go into marriage with just the wrong ideas, false expectations, etc. and that is what contributes to the high divorce rate.  Others think that they have reached a certain age and they should be married so they marry any Billy Joe or Mary Beth that comes down the road.  There should be romance but the expectations should be realistic as well.  Lovely entry, Toni!

  • Shari

    You know, I read through your entry, and the only thing that comes to my mind is how sweet it was!  I agree with you, life is definitely NOT a fairytale, and I think a lot of people get swept up in that.  You make your own happiness, and your partner, should only add to it.  Hope you have a great day!

  • miranda

    I don’t believe in fairytale romance. I suppose sometimes I experience something so beautiful it makes me feel like Cinderella, but it’s not what I expect everyday. Did you read or hear about the man who was attacked by a mountain lion and his wife fought the giant cat away and saved her husbands life? THAT is ultimate romance to me. The "I love this person and will do whatever it takes to make things the best they can possibly be for us" mentality is true love.  And nothing is more romantic than true love.Happy anniversary (of sorts) to you and Caleb!

  • Tiffany

    Very good entry Toni.  Well, looks like we have something in common.  I too… got married at a very young age.  2 weeks after I graduated High School.  I think it was just the idea of a ticket to another State to make new friends and get away from the one’s that were driving me crazy.  Although I married a complete jerk… I stayed married to him for 3 1/2 years.  I was miserable and finally found my out.  He cheated on me so many times… I’m just thankful we didn’t have any children.  I divorced him after I turned 21 and knew it would be a while before I remarried.  I just enjoyed myself and made many close/long-lasting friendships in that time.  I met Britt and 7 months later found out I was prego… then we got married… and the rest is history.  He has made many mistakes… had many online dating accounts that I found out about, but we’ve managed to work through all of those things.
    Anyway… I’m glad you posted this!  I hope you are having a good day.  Did you get a lot of snow this go-around?  We are suppose to get more sometime today.  We’ve got about 4-5 inches on the ground right now.
    Hugs – Tiffany

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