Death of a Terrier

People of the Suburbs: Your Pets are in Danger.
I have 3 big dogs. I know how difficult it can be, and in our case, how expensive and how grueling, BUT IT CAN BE DONE.
Keep your fucking dog in your fucking yard.
How hard is that?
No, really. You paid top dollar for that purebred piece of crap–now take care of it lest it get runned over. Accidentally, of course.
And if I happen to be walking in the neighborhood and I truck past your house, minding my own business, and your little ankle-biter comes out for the thousandth time this year and follows me half a mile down the road yapping its head off, threatening to rip my leg off, I will not be held responsible for what goes down next. I WILL KICK your 2 pound dog’s teacup ass with my 50 pound leg. It will most likely die. That, or you will have to bottle feed it for the rest of its miserable days. Either way, it won’t be chasing me again.
And if my dogs wake me up with their killer barks because they see your precious toy poodle running around in our yard in the dead of night, and if I let them outside so they’ll shutup, your dog will be a tasty midnight snack. You will not see your dog again…although I’m not sure if that would bother you.
And if your dog is wandering around and saunters over to a birthday party 7 houses and 14 acres away, and if your dogs drinks my weight in pool water and decides to make a chew toy out of an unassuming 3-year-old’s arm, I will pick it up and strangle it. And you will be thankful that three-year-old just happened to be someone else’s three year old, because if she were mine, I would sue you for everything your have or ever will have.
And if your dog runs away, and you drive up my driveway in your big, black, menacing SUV, and you jump out and start yelling and screaming at what you think is your dog, know this: not one, not two, but three very large and very protective animals WILL attack you the moment you get within range (which is inside the boundaries of the electric fence, which, yes, we paid for AND installed to keep our pets in our yard). Did you think for a second that the dog sitting calmly in my garage might not actually be yours? There are 3.8 trillion black labs of sizeable girth available for your petting pleasure in this world. My Smokey is not one of them. Go find your own.
Better yet, let yours roam free. He’ll be better off.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

4 responses to “Death of a Terrier

  • Tracy

    OK I’m delurking to say congrats on the pregnancy! 
    And too funny about the dog…well it’s not really funny, but the entry was funny! I have four big dogs so I know exactly what you are talking about…my neighbor has a yippy little dog that likes to sit right next to the privacy fence and yip yip yip, causing my dogs to try to dig under the fence to kill the damn thing 😉 

  • Normal Every Day Life

    I am sensing some troubles with the neighbors dogs!!!  :-)  I understand my neighbor has a yippe thing too!! 

  • Bev

    Sorry about the dog problems.  That sucks!!
    My hubby and I didn’t get to look around Medicine Springs except for their downtown.  We bought a map for $1 that showed a LOT of other stuff to explore.  We fully intend to do so.  I will tell hubs about the wildlife refugee.  And I would love to do a little hiking!!
    Take care of yourself and the bambino!!  I hope this will be an enjoyable pregnancy for you. 

  • Dog Rant #465 « FIGHTING INSANITY

    […] letter to the dog owners of my neighborhood? I can’t very well send out something like this (please be warned that I wrote this years ago, back when I was low on patience and class). But […]

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: