All Jacked-Up and Nowhere to Go

An Update of Sorts…
 
I forced myself to get out of the house yesterday. I bought a new bra from Victoria Secrets–a great one, although in a somewhat boring color. When I got home there was a $10 off coupon in the mail from VS. Of course. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll use it to get the electric-purple bra the sensible me wouldn’t let me buy.
 
Yeah…so, I’m ill again today but what else is new? Caleb’s at the tail end of a backache from hell–Thursday he went to an Urgent Care clinic and saw some shit doctor that gave him shit medicine. He suffered through the weekend and finally saw our family doctor yesterday, who immediately gave him a prescription for some real drugs. So besides being a little groggy and a tad bit tight, Caleb’s back at work. And by that I mean, yes, of course his job, but more importantly, he’s making me my damn toast and getting Mia situated in the morning again. I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to have my husband out of commission when I need him to wait on me hand and foot. Geez.
 
Obviously I’m joking…or am I? Caleb’s been so good to me over the past several weeks–I’ve undoubtedly been spoiled, and I love and appreciate every minute of it. Sometimes it’s that toast in bed that gets me through the day, or at least the morning. He’s been going on walks with me, daily, and cooking dinner when he’s home, and wearing out the kids when I’m energy-challenged (which is, okay, 90% of the time). I couldn’t ask for a better husband.
 
I talked to an OLD, old, old friend of mine on Sunday–and long story short–she’s doing better than she’s probably done since we were 13, although she might not realize it at this point in time. We talked about a lot of things…and I was glad to hear from her and couldn’t help but feel happy about where she was and what she was doing with her life now. She has 2 children and one mangy dog of an ex, and mentioned trying to "find someone like Caleb". And it got me thinking, while it’s great to have that kind of goal, it’s going to be tough. And why the hurry anyway? Who says she has to find anyone?
 
Caleb is truly one of a kind. I can’t get over how I "lucked out", "catching" him–long after his own mangy-dog phase, and right before his angel-phase (we had to have a little fun, come on!)–and if you ask anyone that truly knows me they’d tell you he’s my perfect match. My husband is just fucking awesome and that’s really all there is to it.
 
Been a little emotional lately–mostly in the privacy of my own car. Nothing psychotic or manic depressive…just more…contemplative and probably, admittedly, hormonal. Songs are huge triggers for me–yesterday it was Rascal Flatt’s "I’m Movin’ On." For some reason, and it must’ve been a very strange and off-the-wall reason, I started thinking about my biological mother, and what must’ve been going through her head for oh, her ENTIRE life…What makes people do the things they do? Can people really "move on"? Did she? There’s a line in the song that goes "Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road…" and it struck me that she never got it from me, although I don’t know if she needed it or wanted it, or if I even felt that I personally had anything to forgive her for…but I was a hard-ass to the very end with her and I regret that–to a point. See?! Still doing it! Maybe she never even forgave herself. Who knows.  The world is full of crazy people who make mistake after mistake until THEY DIE. I should not and do not exclude myself from that group, at least on some level.
 
Today, thankfully, I’ve got Paul Simon’s "You Can Call Me Al" blazing through my mind. A little more light-hearted, I think, and will hopefully keep me from forming such deep thoughts. We all know what happens when Toni starts thinking.
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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

2 responses to “All Jacked-Up and Nowhere to Go

  • miranda

    So your telling me I have to get knocked up for my husband to make me dinner every once in a while?!? Hmm….

  • Jaysey

    LOL!  I can’t imagine pregnancy…and I would need someone to wait on me hand and foot, or I’d just quit.  Kudos to you for being able to pull through it.  And Boobahs–totally scary!

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