I Wonder If Crying Could Help My Cause…

I’ve heard there are several things that can make or break a marriage; the only things that come to mind at the moment are building a house and having a baby. We’ve successfully managed both without killing each other and I can come to at least one conclusion: It’s not the having of a baby, but the NAMING of the baby that can truly test the love between a husband and a wife.
We take our quest for the perfect name with the utmost seriousness. It can’t be too popular. It can’t be too off-the-wall. It can’t sound remotely feminine. In fact, it can’t be anything that’s already been used on a girl. Not even once.
Naming a human being is tough stuff. Caleb and I have specifically designed a ritual just for this task: I’ll throw out a name, and he’ll make fun of it in every possible way. Then I’ll pick one of his names and come up with a long list of insults. Then he’ll say something derogatory about me; and then I’ll take the opportunity to totally trash him and dump on all his shortcomings (i.e. complete lack of taste). When we play the name game, we’re not two loving parents trying to find the perfect name for our son; we are vicious, vicious enemies, hell-bent on crushing each other’s every last hope, dream, and deepest desire.
ME: “What do you think of the name Seaver?”
CALEB: “Like, Seaver-Beaver? Rhymes with Cleaver? That Seaver?”
ME: “Well, I thought it was cute. At least it was original.”
CALEB: “It was so original I thought I was going to throw up.”
ME: “Hey, it’s better than having absolutely no imagination whatsoever.”
CALEB: “I come up with original names all the time!”
ME: “Really? Like what? Jackson?”
CALEB: “No. Like Maverick. Or Riddick.”
ME: “Sounds like a Nazi to me.”
CALEB: “Oh, and Otto doesn’t?”
ME: “Riddick? Please. Kids will call him Dick, and that’s just awful.”
CALEB: “No they won’t. Riddick will kick the kids’ asses.”
ME: “Dick. Rid-ICK! Icky-Dick. Get Rid of Dick. Or, if the kids were really mean, Riddy-Biddy Dicky.”
ME: “I rest my case.”
CALEB: “Ah, screw you.”
ME: “So…Did you like the name Seaver or not?”
And so it goes on. Although I don’t neccessarily think that a name is completely off-limits if you can make fun of it–look at my name, Toni, for example. Toni-baloney, Toni-the-phony, Toni-pony…but Riddick is pretty bad, at least in my book–Caleb’s problem lies with the fact that he was never properly humbled as a child. What the hell even rhymes with Caleb?
I distract myself from naming the baby by trying to get ready for the baby. I’ve pulled out all of Mia’s old clothes and blankets and come up with 2 or 3 things that can actually be used for a boy. We even semi-agree on crib bedding, and I congratulate Caleb for picking Mia’s old stroller, bouncer, carseat, playpen, etc. in all neutral colors, because then we’d really have problems. At least we don’t have to drag each other from baby-super-store to baby-super-store, trading insults about our very different choices in nursery neccessities. I don’t want to have to bust out with the true meaning behind Caleb’s name: “dog-like”.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

7 responses to “I Wonder If Crying Could Help My Cause…

  • C.C.

    Think of how many marriages could be saved if babies came with names stamped right there on their birth certificates like Cabbage Patch Kids!!!!!  Heeheehee.
    Had Celine been a boy, my dear husband had big plans for the name: Hunter, Fisher, or Gunner. 
    Did I tell you that my other pregnant-with-a-boy-after-having-two-girls friend is thinking of Jackson, too?  2008 must be the year of the Jacksons.  (And his middle name could be Stewart as an homage to "Hannah Montana"!!)

  • Tiffany

    That was HILARIOUS!  We are having a time with picking names as well.  Blair is still sticking with me for some reason and it’s starting to grow on Britt.  We will just have to see.  I want something original that you don’t hear everyday.  So, it’s been a little challenging. I also think I need a new baby name book!  :)
    To answer your question… no, it’s not going to make a difference with my Mom whether I call or not.  So, that’s why I haven’t called.  Her and my Sister can be quite the team if you ask me.  What I don’t get is what has my Mom so snowed that my Sister is this wonderful person.  I’ve got so many stories I can tell about her!  Oh well… she will realize it when my kids want nothing to do with her just like I am/was with my Grandparents.  If they don’t come around then they can’t get to know them and it’s not the kids/grandkids fault for feeling that way!
    FL – I’m SO totally pumped up about it.  NOT that I’m not about being prego… but I’m getting to the uncomfortable, I don’t want to be prego stage anymore.  Where I wake up 4,000 times during the middle of the night because I can’t get comfy!  It sucks!  I love the Ft. Walton/Destin area.. to me they are pretty much the same and within driving distance for restaurants and stuff.  We are staying in a great condo and it will be so convenient for the kids.  Plus, my MIL is going with us and taking some of our neices on Britt’s side… so that will make it nice if we want to go out!Hugs – Tiff
    PS – I say board the dogs and book a trip girl!  Or get a neighbor to come and house sit… we will have to do that when we go, but luckily our dogs are outside dogs so they just need to be fed once a day.

  • miranda

    Hehe, sounds like fun times around your house these days. When the husband and I talk about future baby names it’s usually him telling me, yet again, that he wont let me give a boy the middle name "Danger". That’s something I’ve wanted to do FOREVER now. How cool would that be, for the boy to someday be able to say "Danger is my middle name" and actually be telling the truth? Yeah, that’s what I thought: SUPER COOL.While I do think about using "Danger" as a middle name, in all seriousness my husband and I don’t have the balls to do it. Too bad. :(

  • ♥ Aimee

    we are having the EXACT same problem…picking a name is very hard…
    *~* :o) if you do not have a smile today… :o) I will give you one of mine… :o) *~*

  • miranda

    I realized RIGHT away what I had dialed and hung up in about a second flat.I will say, however, that immediately upon hearing of my misdial my husband pulled out his cell to check it out. I’ve never seen him laugh quite that hard….

  • Hilary

    Ugh, and then you try to be original (like Hilary which my mom claims was totally unique back in 1983) and nothing mean rhymes with it.  But then, Ms. Clinton became popular and I’ve become Hilary Clinton (which I HATE because I’ve heard that joke repeatedly since third grade).  There’s just no name that is perfectly un-make-fun-able (I made that word up..) :)

  • Joell

    Riddick is just wrong.
    Seaver makes me think of Kirk Cameron and THE Seavers. 

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