Out of it

It’s been almost a week since we found out about Merrick’s head, and Caleb and I have both gone from numb, to slightly worried, to straight-up freaked out, to calm and rational, to just way too tired to think about it anymore.
I’ve finally gotten to a point of acceptance and I’m actually feeling a little brave–a little. That said, there hasn’t been a single nighttime feeding where I haven’t cried while softly stroking his bumpy little head and tearfully whispering gentle words of comfort: "We’ll get this shit knocked out for you, little buddy."
I worry about letting my son down. What if he’s in pain? What if I make a wrong decision? Mommies and Daddies are supposed to make everything better, and right now I feel so scared and powerless. Hell, I wish my own mom and dad were here to hold my hand and wave their magic wands. How come I didn’t get a magic wand?
Cheyenne and Mia have become the best of friends–mainly because Caleb and I are too stressed or tired to be much fun right now, and Mia heads straight for big sister’s room when she wants to be entertained–which is all the time. Cheyenne doesn’t seem to mind–normally I’d be concerned about her feelings as to whether or not she wants Mia all up in her face 24/7, but lately I figure if it bothered her very much, she’d be whining by now. So I let it ride.
We’ve all gotten into the bad habit of going to bed at midnight and waking up at 10:00 a.m. or later. I wouldn’t mind sleeping until 4:00 in the afternoon, but then I wouldn’t have time to go buy everyone new socks and underwear since I’ve been too unmotivated to actually wash clothes. I’m not depressed; I’m just exhausted.
And because I can’t think of anything else to write about, I’ll leave you with this one last question: Has anyone else caught the show "Hip Hop Harry" on the Discovery Kids Network? Or is it in my delerium that I’ve seen this big yellow ghetto-bear dancing around, teaching the world’s most earnest children (he must have ganked them from "Barney") how to "brush the dirt of their shoulders"? It really could just be me.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

4 responses to “Out of it

  • C.C.

    Hip Hop Harry and all the kids on his show are FREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  "The Soup" on E! regularly pokes fun at it.
    Your emotions are completely normal right now.  You’ve still got the crazy post-pregnancy hormone shifts happening, and the situation with Merrick doesn’t help in the least.  Just remember that you have a GIGANTIC support system out here: your family, friends, and folks that live in the computer. 

  • Bev

    Geez.   I wish there was something I could do or say to make you and Caleb feel better.  But words just seem so inadequate.  I will say this for what it is worth to you.  We have a loving, caring God who loved your sweet little Merrick before he was ever born.  I know he is watching over you all now and I really feel like he will put the people in your life to help you through this.  When you are so tired, weak and scared that you feel you cannot take another step, he will carry you.  I believe that with all my heart.  And I also believe that Merrick is going to be okay.  You and Caleb will make the very best decisions you can for Merrick and that is all any good parent can do.
    I send you a great big virtual hug, my friend.  CC is right.  There are a lot of us out here who will support you!

  • barnyardmama

    toni, there is a reason why they aren’t ASKING you if you want to have neurosurgery–because no one wants to have neurosurgery.  Even worse, neurosurgery for you child.  I was in a very similar situation in October.  If Charlie didn’t have surgery, he would die–still, somehow I felt like I was deciding something.  Like I was choosing to have my child hurt.  It’s not the case.  We want to think that we’re all-powerful and all-knowing, but we aren’t.  We just do the best we can with the information they give us.  This will undoubtedly be harder on you than it is on Merrick.  And if it make you feel any better, Charlie didn’t have his skull cut open, but he did have a hole drilled in it, and that was SO much easier than having a feeding tube put in.  If I had to pick, I’d take the nuerosurgery over the button any day of the week.  Scary as can be, yes, but it always is.  Gosh, I’m rambling.  E-mail me if you need to–I’m thinking about you guys even though I’m on vacation and I sincerely hope that you’re doing OK.

  • ♥ Aimee

    thinking of you…♥~♥ :oD the shortest distance between two people is a smile… :oD ♥~♥

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