Am I the only one out there that thinks of weird stuff…like all the time?
Driving down the road yesterday, all three kids in tow, listening to Cheyenne go on about her day at band camp and pretending to be a mother tiger that Mia adopted after a hurricane, I started thinking…in my mind…
What if I had a Delorean? And I’m obviously not talking about the regular old car. I mean the one with a flux capacitor. Duh.
What if I could time travel? What if? Where would I go? And my first thought was to go back in time and gank Fergie’s place in the Black Eyed Peas, thus securing lifelong wealth and fame. You know. Naturally. And I would be careful to avoid having so much plastic surgery, and I wouldn’t wear a wedding dress that made my ass look like two beach balls glued together. But then I got to thinking…
I might not have the same kind of solo career going on, and I sure enough wouldn’t sing a song about my humps. What if there was a man who was meant to fall in love with a skank at some club to the song "Fergalicious", and "Toni-licious" just didn’t cut it, but together they were supposed to have produced a child that would one day find the cure for cancer? I’d have screwed up the whole world.
And in my mind, I thought, "Toni, you’re an idiot. I cannot believe that this–out of all the thoughts you could be thinking–is what’s going through your head. Snap out of it. Do some math or something. Ask Cheyenne what a melophone is. Go ahead ask her." And so I did.
CHEYENNE: "Man. I wish I could invent a pocket donkey. You know, like, small enough to carry in your purse. I couldn’t breed it with anything to get it that small, though; that would only give me an impure pocket donkey. I’d have to come up with an actual miniaturizing machine. Like a shrink-a-dink. I’d make shrink-a-dink donkeys. And then I could expand on that and make pocket cows and polar bears and giraffes and stuff. And then I could invent a water purse so that I could carry around pocket dolphins and pocket whales. Wouldn’t that be cool? Don’t you think a lot of people would buy them, Mom? Mom?"
MIA: "Oh my gosh, yah, totally cool. Hey, Mom. Pretend that you’re a pocket aristocat named Despereaux, and that I’m a nice princess, and we’re driving in a secret tunnel underground but that we can still see the sky and stuff and that we throw poison darts at the bad people that are on our trail."
Wow. Need I say more?