I consider myself an expert slacker. I’ve mastered the art of putting off until next month what I know I won’t get done today. But when I come up with genius ways to slack off and the universe comes around and bites me in my procrastinatin’ butt, I get upset. For this reason, I got beef with Campbell’s Soup.
Once or twice a year, or maybe more than that–I don’t know because I don’t pay attention–the local elementary school collects what is known in soccer mommy circles as "soup labels" or, to the rest of the world, "trash". On the back of every can of Campbell’s Soup, there is a tiny yellow label, and for every label your school turns in, Campbell’s pays the school a certain amount of money. The school holds contests, kids get all batshit and want to eat soup 24/7, Campbell’s gets rich, and the school earns some cash. Great idea, right? WRONG. I can back up this rationale with solid evidence: Although I don’t think to collect these labels throughout the year, I didn’t see the harm in letting Mia get in on a little soup label action. When I proceeded to cut the labels off all 24 cans of Chicken Noodle O’s that we had without opening the soup, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. What I didn’t expect was that Campbell’s just so happened to glob glue right underneath the little yellow labels–thus making it almost impossible for me to carry out my brilliant plan.
It should have worked.
I sent 11 intact yellow labels in Mia’s backpack today. I had to trash the rest. Stupid Campbell’s Soup. Yes it might seem like an honorable and righteous company to the person who collected tons of labels in a gallon-sized ziploc bag randomly over the course of 365 days, but I can just see those corporate bums laughing their heads off all the way to the bank: "Silly school children! Sure we’ll give you your money, as long as your labels are all in one piece, and we would just like to see you try and peel them off without ripping them! Muuhhhhaahahaha!" I know the truth.
It almost makes me madder than my Walmart fish conspiracy theory.