Call Me Crazy

Warning: Conspiracy theorization in process.
What if the unthinkable happened?”
“According to sources, an estimated one million children are reported lost, missing, or separated from their parents each year.”
“There’s no such thing as ‘too safe’.”
Have you heard of Ident-a-Kid? It’s this helpful program that fingerprints your kids, and if in the event your kid ever goes missing, those valuable fingerprints can be referenced to help make the hunt for your missing kid that much easier. Schools everywhere are doing it. Governors are “partnering” with principals and police stations to make our country a safer place for our children.
This week Mia’s school sent a note home in her backpack: Ident-a-kid! Get your child’s fingerprints on file–for free! (Appeals to your cheapskate side, does it not?) The Ident-a-kid envelope even comes with a handy do-it-yourself DNA collection kit. The envelope contains explicit directions on how to get a proper thumbprint and DNA sample. You can send in a most recent picture of your child. You even get a few sheets of paper to practice thumbprints on. And then, it’s all put on this handy little card that you can carry around with you everywhere. You know, just in case, God forbid, your child goes missing. (Plays on every parent’s worst nightmare, does it not?)
I’m still a little fuzzy on how having my kids’ fingerprints on file will play a major role in finding my missing/kidnapped child (alive). But I guess every little bit of information helps in those situations. My real problems with the program are as follows:
  1. Of course it’s free. The government is paying for it.
  2. If the government is paying for it, that means they’ll have access to it.
  3. Access to my kids’ DNA and fingerprint…hmmm.
  4. What if one of them commits a crime in future years?
  5. I will have totally screwed them.
  6. I can hear it now: “Mom, if you hadn’t have participated in that crappy program when I was 5, I could’ve gotten away with murder. Thanks a lot.”
  7. And say my children do grow up to be fine outstanding citizens, but the government turns out to be bad.
  8. And by bad, I mean untrustworthy or corrupt.
  9. Oh, wait…
  10. Anyway.
  11. And then there’s the possibility of alien/zombie/robot takeover.
  12. No one would ever be able to get away.
  13. We’ll all die.
  14. But before we die, we’ll wish we had never participated in the “Ident-a-kid” free fingerprinting program back in the early part of the millenium.

I know I’m a little over the edge when it comes to stuff like this, and if no one agrees with me, then I’ll shut up. Well, no, I won’t shut up, but you still have to option to disagree. As I write this I’m not exactly sure if this kit was something we sent back to the school to be shipped off to the police station or somewhere. I suppose I could’ve just done the fingerprints and kept them in my own wallet just for fun.

But if the letter had simply stated: “Ident-a-kid! The government’s surefire plan to have the fingerprints and DNA of every living person in America on file in 20 years! No more unsolved crimes! We can track you from preschool! We can find you on your honeymoon! We will hunt you down and arrest you for no reason while you’re on the toilet!”

Then…well, then, I might just have fingerprinted my kid. 
Sidenote: Almost one year after this post was written, I discovered this information: Ident-A-Kid is not an organization with a legitimate board of directors. It sells franchises to privateers. The “agent” obtaining the child’s information does not have the proper credentials lawfully authorizing them to obtain fingerprints. So is it governement funded or connected? Or is it privately operated and paid for by our school? Does it matter?
It won’t change my decision to say “No thank you,” in writing.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

One response to “Call Me Crazy

  • barnyardmama

    I hate the whole fingerprint on file thing. Not because I want to commit a crime, but what if my fingerprints are used inappropriately? What if they want to frame someone with that information? I totally get it. I had to be fingerprinted to work in schools in Arkansas, but I wasn’t real thrilled with the whole thing.

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