Doubt

I got wind of a job opening as a mail carrier yesterday and I immediately went online to check it out.

Oy.

Why? Well, over the past 6 years, Caleb and I have talked extensively about the day when all our children are in school. (Here’s Caleb: “The word of the day is J-O-B!”) We decided that it might be helpful at that time for me to go to work–you know, help bring home a slice of bacon every now and then. In theory, I should be completely available Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. until 3 p.m., and finding a local gig that fits those hours and pays anything at all should be fairly easy, right?

In theory.

In reality, I’m so scared. Who in their right mind will hire me? I have a degree–in art. Yeah, that’s a career field known for bringing in the big bucks–NOT! I haven’t worked in almost 7 years–my last job was in college, waitressing at a small cafe, and before that, slaving away for spoiled princess brides and crotchedy old ladies in the china/gift department of Dillards. I didn’t hate it…much.

What if I have to drive into Norman or Oklahoma City everyday to work a minimum wage job which sucks up my time and keeps me busy on weekends? What if I burn up more gas money than I actually earn? How long will my Saturn hold up on that sort of driving schedule?

And did I mention that Caleb travels 3-5 days a week almost every single week? What happens if one of the kids gets sick ? ( A valid worry–this winter someone has been sick almost every single week.) Who will be home after school to make sure they get their homework done, and feed them snacks, and play with them? Will our mornings be rushed (or more rushed than they already are)? Who will watch the dogs? Will they pee all over everything while I’m gone all day? Who will let them out? Is what I can make (money-wise) worth being away from the kids and the house and the dogs? Worth more than unmade beds and dishes piled up in the sink and dirty laundry covering the floors, and grimy toilets and scuffy tile and dogs stinking up the house? Worth more than me coming home and being so tired and stressed out that I can’t even think straight, much less help anyone with complicated math homework? (I can’t even do that now!) Who will pick Cheyenne up from track practice? Take her to afterschool band? Who will go to all the t-ball games? Would I still be able to teach Wednesday night 2-year old church? Who’s gonna take my kids and the neighbor’s kid if I can’t? What about bible studies on Tuesday mornings? What about my friends and my practically non-existant social life? What will I cook for dinner?

I’ll never have time to paint!

You can probably tell I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for a little more than a long time. I know there are women out there that do this on a day to day basis–working mothers, especially working single mothers–I salute you.

So, the mail-carrier idea? Not a bad one. It’s local, the pay is decent, and from what I can tell, it’s part-time–and it’s not even all the time. I’m a little early as far as Merrick–he won’t be in school for another year or so–but it could be a great way to ease back into working mode. Pray for me, will you? I’m filling out an application.

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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

One response to “Doubt

  • Amanda

    Good luck! The whole stay at home vs. work outside the home issue has been huge for us since having Lucy. I would love nothing more than to be a full time stay at home mom, but we’re compromising and having me work 3 days a week. I never thought I’d actually want to stay home, but all that changed when I brought that baby home. I hope you are able to find something that meets your needs!

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