Q: Holy hidden tooth stash! I just found approximately 20 baby teeth in a tiny velvet bag in my mom’s sock drawer! Is she a serial killer called “The Tooth Fairy”, or is she, in fact, the actual Tooth Fairy? A: First of all, what were you doing snooping around in your
murderer’s mother’s sock drawer? And second of all, relax. You may now consider yourself privy to one of the best kept secrets in the tooth fairy business: Your parents receive a limited-time offer to buy back your baby teeth at fair market value. So, not only is your mom not a murderer, she is a loving parent who will spare no expense to win back precious tokens of your childhood–namely, your teeth.
Yes–I’m talking about the very teeth that cost her countless hours of much-needed sleep upon their arrival in your mouth. Think of all those miserable nights she spent, rocking your drooling, feverish self back and forth as you teethed your way into toddlerhood–your teeth, that bit her when she breastfed you, that chewed up grody baby food and spewed it out into her face seconds later…the same teeth she tenderly helped you brush with your dentist-issue Disney princess toothbrush laced with Little Bear Orajel toothpaste. Those sweet, little, baby teeth–and now here you are–six, almost seven years old–full of suspicion and disdain for your mother, who, as it turns out, is just as saintly (if not more so) as she was before you discovered your teeth in her sock drawer.
So, your mom has a human tooth collection. Big deal. Sure, it’s creepy–right up there with keeping locks of baby hair in sealed and labeled envelopes–but I ask you now, first-grader, who’s a bigger rockstar? The greedy tooth fairy who only wants your teeth in the first place so that she can add on a theater room to her dentine castle in the sky? Or your mom, who finds a way to hold on to your teeny tiny baby teeth, while still letting you experience the basic childhood joy of having your teeth stolen in the night by a miniature flying woman? I think the answer is clear.
It’s your mom, in case you were still wondering. And by the way, you’re probably growing up way too fast.
So. Are you needing a haircut?