Operation Restore the Suck

I’ve got this vacuum cleaner. Ironically, I base its suckiness soley on its sucking capability. My vacuum sucks because it does not suck.

Now, when I bought it, I thought it was awesome. Its packaging touted its animal hair-sucking prowess. It came with numerous attachments. It claimed to be easy to clean. It was only $160. Sold.

I got it home. For the most part, it sucked beautifully. But I found that after every use, I would have to not only empty out the crap trap, I would also have to remove and wash the filters, plus use an actual screwdriver to remove and clean hard-to-reach parts, wipe up the mass amounts of dog hair from every visable nook and cranny of the vacuum, then allow it all to air dry, and then put it all back together again.

And I’m not going to lie: it’s a hassle.

Sometimes I really hate having that vacuum cleaner. I feel like normal people don’t have to do that to their vacuums. Why is my vacuum so high-maintenance? Is it a lemon?

Maybe I’ve unfairly judged my vacuum. I mean, sure, it’s supposed to suck up all the dog hair…of a 10-pound pampered shih tzu. Maybe I’ve placed some unreasonable expectations on that poor little low-end Walmart Eureka. Three 75+ pound indoor super-shedding dogs? That’s a lot of dog hair. 3 kids? That’s a lot of glitter, a lot of crumbs, a lot of God-only-knows-what-else. Add in one husband plus my spill-happy self, and the amount of grime permanently imbedded into our carpets is just obscene.

Here lately, I haven’t been taking care of my vacuum cleaner the way I should be. I ignored its stupid little “change filter” light, and I sat back and watched as it went from green, to yellow, to red. And now my vacuum cleaner is missing everything when I run it across our carpets. These days it accomplishes nothing except to stink up whatever room I turn it on in.

Some people have a commercial-grade Dyson. Some people have hardwood floors and a vacuum system built into the walls. Me? I’ve got a nasty carpet, 3 filthy dogs, and 3 delightful children. I live in Oklahoma and I’ve got way more red dirt in my yard than I do green grass. And somedays I’m super-ready to call it quits and just let the digusting mess pile up.

But God gave me this vacuum cleaner. It’s the only one I have. Even though it’s not fair that other people’s vacuums don’t require this much attention, I still have to take care of mine. So what if that sometimes requires tools and intensive cleaning? Or maybe even a trip to the vacuum repair store? Or a new filter or a new belt or some special vacuum cleaner prozac? Or a pep talk?

I think it’s safe to say that my vacuum cleaner gets worn out from time to time. And it definitely needs to be cleaned on a regular basis. As long as I remember to take care of it, my vacuum cleaner will keep on sucking the way it’s supposed to.

Thank you sweet vacuum. You are special.


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

3 responses to “Operation Restore the Suck

  • April

    Now I thought I was the only one the vacuum cleaner hated!!! Same here 3 dogs but also have 2 cats and 2 kids and hubs – so believe me I feel your pain!!!!

  • Hilary

    I actually cleaned a building with a Dyson recently and was TOTALLY unimpressed! I’ve been wanting one forever, but now I’m kind of happy with the one I have. I used coupons and got a $139 vacuum for $52! 😀 And its great. I told my husband that its funny how much more motivated I am to vacuum when it WORKS! Before, it would totally stress me out, with me screaming “WHY WON’T YOU SUCK ANYTHING UP!!?>!?!?!” 😀

  • Joell

    Buahahahaha! My vacuum sucks because it doesn’t suck. Oh how you crack me up.

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