Transformers 3: A Review

For my husband and I to see this movie we paid $23–and that’s not counting the medium popcorn and the contraband drinks we purchased at the gas station across the street. They did give us these sexy black glasses, though, so I guess that’s a bonus.

Did I like the movie? Yeah, I guess. I more so liked the fact that Caleb and I were out–together–alone–on a date. We could have watched a documentary about bottled water and I would have had fun.

So here’s Transformers 3:

Boom! Alien planet full of battling robot aliens! Bang, crash! Oooo, never seen this before! Oh, wait, YES I HAVE. In the first 2 movies. Blah, blah blah, footage from the sixties.

30 minutes later: Oh, look. It’s NOT Megan Fox. In her underwear. Great.

Sam: Morning Not Megan Fox. I saved the world twice and I still suck.

Not Megan Fox: Don’t know, don’t care. I still love you. For some reason.

Hot Josh Duhamel: Look at me, I’m all military and junk. I fight robots for breakfast.

Sam: You know what this movie needs? My parents. Oh, look, here they are now–conveniently driving in from out of town to visit me.

Patrick Dempsey: Hello, I’m clearly the bad guy with more money than God.

Sam: Nice to meet you Patrick Dempsey. You do know that we’re going to duel later on in the movie, right?

Patrick Dempsey: Of course. Would your girlfriend like a car?

Not Megan Fox: Yes, please, because I’m too shallow to turn it down, even though everything about you oozes wrong.

Sam: I don’t have time for this. I’m too busy sucking. Where are all my robot friends?

Hot Josh Duhamel: We’re busy fighting. (Crash, bang, boom, robot fighting, lots of shooting and metal clashing)

3 hours later: Crash bang boom, more robot fighting, lots of shooting and metal clashing. Also, glass breaking and people being flung around.

Sam: Where’s Optimus Prime?

Hot Josh Duhamel: He died like 2 movies ago.

Sam: No, he’s not dead. He was just faking. Again.

Not Megan Fox: Oh help me Sam, save me. I can’t fix a car, I can’t shoot a gun.

Sam: Is there anything at all that you can do? I’m kind of busy here with the giant fighting robots and such.

Not Megan Fox: No, not really. I mean, I guess I could channel my inner Claudia Scheiffer while I fail-run around in my stilettos and take cover in the most glass-covered building I can find.

Sam: I just don’t think you are screaming and crying enough. Do you realize you’re probably going to die? You don’t even look upset. What kind of actress are you?

Not Megan Fox: Well, I’m no Megan Fox, that’s for sure.

Sam: I will now kill Patrick Dempsey.

Patrick Dempsey: This is happening.

Hot Josh Duhamel: Hardcore parkour! Come on, you group of no-limit soldiers!

(Robots fighting, metal clanging, glass breaking, Sam crying, Hot Josh Duhamel jumping off of roofs, people shooting. Nobody important dies, good robots win. Place is a mess. Not Megan Fox doesn’t do anything. Sam’s parents mysteriously disappear. Optimus Prime says something about allies and planets, roll credits.)

$23. Not bad for a night out with my husband. But those 3D glasses (that I did not recycle out of spite) better wash my dishes.

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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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