Brave Face.

My husband knew better than I did what would happen once all the effects of the anesthesia wore off and the mental busyness of the past week settled down.

I had my first official really bad day this weekend, during which all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sob silently, and be held, and listen through the open window to birds chirping and my kids playing. No television. No books. No phone calls.

All that talk about bible verses and Jesus holding my baby? Of course they’re still relevant, but they don’t seem to have quite the impact they did 5 days ago; my body is just bound and determined to cry it out. No more chin up.

In church I hear the words “Give it up to God; just give it to Him.”

How? I confess I don’t quite understand that phrase, at least not in this instance.

I say this because I think it’s easy for people to get the impression that God takes pain away completely; that I am strong and calm and rational even in the face of tragedy–I’m very much not. I am comforted, but I still cry and I still want my baby. It sucks and it hurts and I still ask the questions that I feel like I should already know the answers to.  It doesn’t matter if I ever have another baby or adopt more children–I wanted this one.

The medicine wears off. The fog lifts. My body heals up. My family moves on and life does not slow down. But it feels like this loss will hurt me forever.

Yesterday I cried even in my dreams. Today I only cried in the shower. Tomorrow I will go to work, make dinner, clean the house, and take Merrick to t-ball practice. Maybe I’ll paint a little bit. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll have another down day. Maybe it won’t happen for another month or so.

I know there’s something to come out of this besides unbearable sadness and disappointment. I know that God has a plan and that He is with me, leading me and loving me, through this time.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

4 responses to “Brave Face.

  • Helene

    In these days of immense poverty of spirit, may you be blessed.

  • Joell

    Dear, sweet Toni…I have been out of the loop for about a week and a half thanks to general craziness and the spring break in Florida. My heart breaks for you as I have caught up on your posts. I know we’ve never met, but we have “known” each other for like, 5 years or something, and I love you girl. I don’t know if that’s creepy, but I do. And I love your heart, and I am just so so sorry. I am praying for you, my friend. For you and Caleb and Mia and Merrick.

  • jack joseph's mom

    I share your knowledge that something good will come besides disappointment and sadness. Unfortunately, I really don’t have the patience to wait! I wish you the patience and grace I have seem to be lacking.

  • Katy (@birdonthestreet)

    I really think that God gives us all of these tools–tears, especially–so that we can process the pain and let out all the junk that is in our system. Let’s not forget that in addition to all of the things you are feeling, your hormones are also crashing, and dragging you down with them. You need all of those tears to get it all out. You need the dreams. You need the writing. You need all of it. Sending you all love and praying for peace.

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