The Most Pointless Animal in God’s Creation

Chris Tomlin, Eddie Money and The Outfield on my run through the woods did this girl some good this morning. Why do I have Christian music on the same playlist as all my 80’s tunes? Cause I like to party.

I do not like, however, being chased by the Oklahoma Heat-Seeking Mammoth Deer Fly. Pretty sure that’s a real thing.

I’m feeling ever so slightly better today. But then again, I haven’t gone anywhere, so there’s that. No matter. God is good. Life is good. I’m taking my thoughts captive and instead of zero-ing in on the things that freak me out, let us just take some time to focus on the positive:


Guinea pigs. Who even had the idea to keep them as pets? Actually, I know the answer to that, since Mia has been obsessively researching the stupid animals for the past year in the hopes of getting one for her birthday next month. To be clear: this will not happen. Even though I promised her. After this week, I was perfectly willing to be evil and break that promise.

I hate guinea pigs. I hate them even more now that we’ve taken care of some for a week. They are vile creatures–rodents getting a lucky shake from society, if you ask me. Awful, filthy dirty, rodents.

  1. They don’t do anything.
  2. Unless you count peeing and pooping, which THEY NEVER STOP DOING.
  3. And squeaking. Don’t even get me started. Gah.
  4. Sweet mother of hades, this is the worst animal in the world.
  5. Between the fresh vegetables, the timothy hay, and the food pellets they ALLEGEDLY require, I would spend more money feeding these hellions than I spend on my own precious, loyal (and 50 times heavier) canine companions.
  6. They’re so gross. They poop all over their bedding and then they pee on it, which makes the poop all sloppy wet. And then they run around for no reason at all, kicking their bedding OUT of their cage–which stinks to high heaven.
  7. The cleaning of the cage involves an hour of your time plus a hazmat suit, and 2 seconds after you’ve placed the beasts into their freshly-cleaned and ultra-fluffy environment, they crap all over your hard work.
  8. They stink.
  9. They smell.
  10. They’re horrible in every way.
  11. I hate them.
  12. I hate guinea pigs.
  13. I hate all the guinea pigs in the whole world.
  14. That is all.

And so today, I’m exceptionally thankful that Mia has seen the light. She looked at me thoughtfully, with her big brown eyes, and said this, and I quote: “Mom? I don’t think I want a guinea pig after all.”

Me, biting my own hand in excitement and crying tears of joy: “Oh, really? Hmm. What a shame.”


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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