“Scalp leeches. Skull vampires. Follicle gypsies. Hair lawyers. One thing is clear: it’s kill or be killed!”
–Dwight Schrute, The Office.
Need I say more? I mean, really.
We probably had it coming. Honestly? I was cocky. I haven’t had to deal with lice at all since the 6th grade. I shared hairbrushes and ponytail holders with Mia, and we cuddled head to head all the dang time because lice couldn’t touch us. Like our blood contained a natural lice repellant and we were immune.
I’m holding my breath, because I think–*I think*–we’re over this infestation. Sure, it took an entire month plus 3 rounds of intense chemical applications. And yeah, my scalp is dry as a mamma jamma, and I’ve discovered more gray hair on my head than I ever cared to know about, but…
we may have this thing licked.
And Glory to God in the Highest and Peace to His people on Earth, because my back is for real about to break from bending over nit-picking, and my eye sight is failing and I’m hating on lice with every bone in my body and I was this close to shaving everybody slap bald. I don’t even care. Look at my wee little family of skin heads!
Tips for sad, poor people with lice in no random order:
- Gross, gross, gross.
- Lice is so gross.
- Forget the crappy comb that comes with the lice medicine. It’s useless. Get a cat flea comb. I got one at the dollar store. It’s my favorite thing that I own.
- People have been saying Nix and Rid-X do not work on lice anymore. I don’t know if this is true. I used Lice MD and it killed mass quantities of live bugs.
- But I was still finding nits for, like, ever.
- So I called the doctor and asked for a magic pill.
- Turns out, there is no magic pill.
- Which is some bull.
- So I urged Cheyenne to major in medicine development in college, because if anyone can create an instantaneous lice-killing chewable vitamin, it would be her.
- It might be a while.
- In the meantime, our doctor advised us to douse our heads with Cetaphil.
- Cetaphil. The skin cleanser.
- Heck yes, I tried it!
- You completely soak your hair all the way to your scalp with an entire bottle (or more) of Cetaphil.
- Then you blow dry it on there, which takes approximately 5 years.
- You leave your hair blow-dried in Cetaphil for at least 8 hours.
- Then you wash it out, and afterwards you can opt to pick or not to pick the nits.
- We opted to pick the nits because I take no chances.
- NO CHANCES.
- And so far, so good.
- Oh yeah, also wash everything you own in hot water a million times a day. I did that. And I vacuumed the couches and mattresses and carpets while I was doing the washing of all the things.
- I went through an entire giant Sam’s Club bottle of laundry detergent in less than a week. Our dryer has seen more action this month than it has in the past 3 years.
- I really, really, hate putting sheets on bunk beds.
So to recap: Cetaphil. Cat flea comb. Hazmat suit.
Oh, yeah. And for good measure make sure you put your kid’s hair up in a bun so tight that it slants her eyes and hurts her brain. Lice be up in the school like, “All the world is a smorgasbord,” and no one is exempt, as we found out from personal experience.
Well, keep your fingers crossed for us, people. I feel confident enough to free the kids’ stuffed animals from their plastic bag prison today. And may the lice-repellant force be with you all.