I’d like to take a minute to rave about this awesome new program I’m on that has changed my life. It’s called 3 pots of coffee. Seriously, I’m awake, I’m alert, I have energy–until I don’t, and I come crashing down and withdrawal symptoms are so bad I’m writhing on the couch in utter agony, and my nausea is ridiculous and my toilet is disgusting so I contemplate vomiting on the floor because it would probably be less of an effort to clean that up. I be like a snake-toting Britney Spears–I’m such a slave to the bean.
In other news, my hair is thinning and graying at a disgusting pace. I don’t know if it’s the stress of 2013, what with all its baby-losing, anxiety attacks, lice, and house-building; but my thick wavy locks are going fast. Good-bye glorious youth! You were fun while you lasted! Actually, no you weren’t, and you suck. I’m so looking forward to the rest of my thirties and the copious amounts of box dye I’m going to use.
My rapid hair loss and college-bound daughter has caused me to start thinking about growing up and getting old and Miley Cyrus and sledge hammers and I’ve got some advice for all these beautiful girls who are wrapping up their senior year in high school: Ladies, you are so very pretty. You might think you know it, but you have no idea. I love you because you are pretty and silly and naive and sweet, not yet jaded and not yet addicted to coffee. You are going to be tempted to use your beauty to get boys to catch grenades for you, but do not do it. Do not use your physical appearance to gain attention, because I promise that you will not be adorable forever–you’ll just be sad and desperate. Use this time wisely. Don’t be like me and act like a stark-raving drunken hussy who does nothing but slur stupidly from table tops. Don’t wait for “your moment” to arrive–your moment is right now! Get out and help people while you still have the boundless energy and strong muscles to do it. Say something worth listening to; something with meaning and purpose, while people are still transfixed by your youth and beauty. Get attention for your intelligence and kindness–you’ll be loved forever for it.
That is all.