The Obsession

First, let me just say: yes, I purchased this elf in what I admit to have been a blatant attempt to achieve rock star mom status; and yes, I had high hopes of inspiring good behavior with this elf’s presence and North Pole connections.

My kids named this elf Keven–not Kevin–and according to Mia, he was just born for glory; the day begins and ends with him. And I was a rock star for about 8 seconds and I just remembered that good behavior is non-negotiable, and call me Walter Hobbs but I am sick of this elf.

I bucked it for a while. I fought the good fight for about 2 years. I laughed–scoffed even–at moms who put up with all sorts of elf high jinks: snow angels in spilled flour, a toilet-papered Christmas trees. Oh hell no. I will kick our elf to the curb the second I find that he’s been dabbling in shenanigans like that. Amiright?

The issue isn’t Keven; the issue is the overwhelming enthusiasm Mia has for this elf–she simply can’t wait to see what he is going to do next. It keeps her up at night, and it wakes her up at 4:00 in the morning–she then wakes Merrick up, too, so he won’t miss out on that morning’s elf-discovery. It’s actually kind of unbearably cute–they come out of their room, hand in hand, and walk around the house together. They find the elf, giggle for about 10 minutes, take a picture, and then proceed to sit on the couch and demand food for the next half hour.

It’s bananas. I’ve seen every sunrise for the past 3 weeks.

That’s a problem.

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Clearly, Keven has refined tastes in women. He and Jessie appear to be an item.

Things I’d like to see our elf do:

  1. Stick his head in the oven.
  2. Stick his head in the VCR.
  3. Stick his head under the back tire of my Kia.
  4. Cover his face in plastic wrap.
  5. Tie himself in a knot.
  6. Hang himself from the living room fan.
  7. Slam his own hand in the front door.
  8. Choke himself to death with a doll scarf.
  9. Lock himself outside in the snow.
  10. Lock himself inside the microwave.
  11. Electrocute himself.
  12. Set himself on fire.
  13. Tie rocks to his feet and throw himself into the bath tub.
  14. Throw himself off a cliff. Or a bookshelf. It is the same thing.
  15. Decapitate himself. By any means necessary.
  16. I may have a problem.
  17. I’m probably fine to watch small children, though.
  18. But I shouldn’t be trusted with an elf.
  19. I can’t help it.
  20. I’m just tired.
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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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