parental suckage

Fact: my belly is about to get stoopid big. The baby? Is right on target for 19 weeks, but I can’t stop eating junk food. This little girl is getting zero nutrients from my food intake. Know what I just discovered? Sonic mozzarella sticks. In September I will start filming a documentary called “My 700-Pound Life”.

Excited? Don’t be. It will involve me sitting on the couch holding a baby and trying not to have a mental breakdown on account of sleep deprivation, farm life, and small children who have–for some reason–lost the ability to listen to my voice.

Birds are invading our house kind of. Every year they build mud nests in our front door “cave”, and every year they just multiply. We have tried so many things to keep them from doing this and nothing works. This spring, some sparrows straight ganked the mud mansion from our regular tenants; there are serious turf wars going on in the backyard as well. These birds are violent and scary. Their hobbies include lining our brick entryway with mud and straw, throwing their babies to their deaths on the concrete, swooping the top of my head when I’m outside, and taking giant white dumps all over my front steps. Suggestions and/or machine guns would be greatly appreciated.

Cheyenne’s Top 10% Senior Banquet is tonight. I was supposed to write down a funny little anecdote about something silly she did as a child…and for the first time in my life my mind drew a complete blank. I have stared at this paper since the beginning of April. I came up with one apparently lameballs story that was immediately and passionately vetoed by Cheyenne. My brain has been giving me the silent treatment for 3 weeks. It’s shameful, especially since I can crank out a blog post about useless junk in 10 minutes or less, but when it comes to my own daughter’s childhood? I’ve got nothing.

It could be because she’s not a senior, not really. The school is lying to me, I’m pretty sure. In fact, we’re still somewhere back in 4th grade last time I checked. When it comes time for her to leave in a month, I’ll be hard pressed not to burst into a moving rendition of “Mother Knows Best”…although I don’t think it will be adequately appreciated by Cheyenne.

So since the song and dance routine is out, I’ll have to scavenge my brain for an approved childhood story to tell at this banquet. I bet none of the other parents are struggling with this, and that their kids love everything that comes out of their mouths and none of them ever want to move 20 hours away from home (where there are large bugs, and men with pointy teeth). Sometimes I feel like the crappiest mom ever who got pregnant at 15 and still has not a freaking clue as to what she’s doing when it comes to almost everything.

With all that said, I am so proud of Cheyenne for crushing it the past 4 years of high school. Straight A’s in the classes that she takes? Cannot be blamed on my guidance–it all stems from her awesome giant brain. Girl amazes me every single day. And that’s really all I can think to say right now.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: