Raging Baby

Can I just be real for a second here? I mean, realer than usual? I’ve got 4 kids. And I still have no idea what I’m doing. So if you parents out there would like to clue a mother in and sound off on any one of these following bafflements…yeah, that’d be great.

1. Babies with colds: this week friggin sucks, true story no lie. Not because I’m inconvenienced, not because I’m drinking more coffee than what’s medically recommended (all decaf btw, so I don’t know what the hell good it’s doing). But because there is almost nothing I can do to help my child. She can’t breathe, can’t eat. I’ve done the steamy bathroom and the nose sucky thingy. Essential oils has been suggested but our budget for all that is about negative ZERO dollars (plus it seems really complicated and I hate things that smell like not sugar and coffee). You can’t give a newborn any medicine. The universe can be so cruel.

2. Taking temperatures rectally. This has always been beyond uncomfortable for me, so imagine my delight when I was told at the hospital that this practice was outdated and thus not recommended. And then imagine my supreme gross-out when the dial-a-nurse at my pediatrician’s office told me to go ahead and take that rectal temp so I could get the most accurate reading. On the phone, while she talked to me. So here I am, with my poor unsuspecting infant daughter in my lap, and I’m trying my best to mom-soothe so the cold metal stick in her butt doesn’t send her into a fit of hysterics from which there would be no escape–not fun at all ever under regular private circumstances, but having that strange lady hear the play-by-play of the whole process in my best baby-talk? Awkward.

3. The crying baby in the backwards-facing infant carrier–MOTHER OF GOD is there nothing more nerve-wrecking than driving anywhere at all with a 6-week-old rage-a-holic screaming bloody murder in the backseat? Never in life do I ever get such a strong almost-uncontrollable urge to ram my car into a tree except for moments like this, which occur essentially anytime I go anywhere with any baby. And somehow, despite being approximately 80 feet out of my reach way back there in row 2 passenger side, she manages to sound like she’s standing on my actual ear drum. I cannot bear it.

4. And while we’re on the subject, what the devil is up with you moms and your car seat obsessions? Stop it, just stop it. Stop demanding all the safety studies and stop getting all excited when new laws come into play dictating that all children under the age of 20 are required to be in a $700 rear-facing car seat that’s welded into the frame of your SUV. Quit keeping me up to speed by posting Facebook articles and smiley faces. I don’t care! I hate the rules and I count the minutes until I can break them. Does my 4th grader really need a booster seat? It doesn’t matter, because I threw it away when she was 5! Apparently my own mother held me in her lap when went anywhere in a vehicle–and I’m totes fine. So the law can suck it.

5. I’m totally kidding, I care about my child’s safety and also my ability to live outside of prison. I will use the correct car seats for the correct children…but I will hate that new rear-facing law and so will my one-year-old who is sure to get car sick by looking at backward scenery. When she’s not busy screaming her head off in a blatant attempt to drive me nuts.

6. Babies poop on you. That’s real. I’m not complaining; I just thought I’d bring it up. This happens–sometimes three times a night, and it always, always, takes you by surprise. They poop on you.

That is all. Signing off with this baby, who I will be rocking all night long:

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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

One response to “Raging Baby

  • bellaball

    One of my boss’s wife brought their new born son in the other day. I’m at my desk and I hear him yelling for me – apparently the baby decided to crap and spit up all over a chair in his office. I was like why are you calling me, this is your son. It was so funny. First time dad, got to love them.

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