Let me first admit that I have watched every episode of this golden 90s gem.
Let me also state that I’ll never be able to make it to fifty.
So how about that Zack and Kelly on-again, off-again romance, eh? Did they ever have a chance?
We’re probably all familiar with the plot: adorable trouble maker gets up to harmless playboy hijinks, while his girlfriend stands by faithfully, smiling and shaking her head.
Or is it something darker? Spoiled and devious little prick regularly manipulates the people who care about him the most. One thing is for sure: any relationship Kelly Kapowski had with Zack Morris was unhealthy, to say the least.
If a boy keeps a life-sized cardboard cutout of your likeness in his closet, that’s not flattering–that’s CREEPY.
If a boy sneaks a wire tap into your room so he can listen to your sleepover, that’s not funny–it’s an INVASION OF PRIVACY (and also breaking and entering.)
If a boy purposefully gets you in trouble so that he can spend quality one-on-one time with you in detention, that’s not thoughtful–that’s JACKED UP.
If a boy gives you a tape with subliminal messages to get you to go to the dance with him, he’s not a blond Tom Cruise–he’s a SLIME BALL.
If a boy tries to make out with the school nurse the same day he asks you to go steady with him, that’s not him being indecisive–that’s him CHEATING.
If a boy ruins your budding modeling career so you won’t forget about him while you’re in Paris, HE’S A POSSESSIVE JERK.
If a boy causes you to be in a training-car accident in the hallway of your high school, HE’S DANGEROUSLY JEALOUS.
When a boy puts your picture and your phone number in a video-dating service without your knowledge or permission, as another one of his money-making schemes, HE’S A SCUZZY, DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING.
Kelly, don’t wait for your alarm to give out a warning–wake up now girl! Zack is not caring or thoughtful–he is abusive. What you have with him is not love. It’s a full-out Zack Attack.
And also the only way you can truly be “saved” is not by the bell.
Just felt like I should throw that in there.