healing up

Please excuse my dragging, scattered brain as I write this nonsense today.

Lots of good news here: We are safe. We are dry. Ducks are still intact. Kids are adjusting to the new house. Caleb has started a new job. And I am feeling calm, cool, and disorganized as usual. Jesus has been doing a work in me which I’m pretty sure has involved a big fat holy blow torch to m’ guts–a slow, controlled burn to cleanse the crazy and make room for new growth.

The bad news is that I’m not the only one who loses her mind on occasion. The good news is that I am overwhelmingly surrounded by some of the sweetest, most loving, open and honest women that have ever walked God’s green earth; they pop right out of the woodwork to share their hearts in my hour (several hours) of insanity and need.

I’m blessed, and not hashtag blessed, but blessed to a point where I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to discuss it, which sounds a little silly but all I mean is that God is the only one who knows exactly how much I have that I don’t deserve. Hipster grace: it’s really obscure.You’ve probably never had to ask for it.

And Caleb? I sometimes wonder how we are even still together, because STRESS–and then I picture Jesus as the link between us. Granted, He’s holding us each by the ear or a handful of our hair while we are thrashing mad–but He is linking us.

Marriage is so, so hard y’all. It is designed to be THE closest relationship you will have with any other human being. For better or for worse, we are forced to face each other at our absolute ugliest and those times might last a little longer than we’d like. But the same is true of the opposite: Caleb gets the best, most beautiful me that has ever existed. Every joy, every dream, every triumph gets lived out by both of us. We have the same memories. We finish each other’s sandwiches. It wouldn’t just be a shame for our marriage to end in divorce; it would be a gut-wrenching, heart-shattering, eternally agonizing death that would make all of Heaven cry.

Not judging. I say these things because I know how much divorce sucks, and I have felt the pain and the guilt that comes with throwing in the towel prematurely. I used to be young and stupid and now I’m just stupid–but I will never again give up so easily on myself or on the man that God put in place to be my helper and my best friend.

Lucky him.

Summer break starts in t-minus I don’t know, because I’ve mentally checked out of the school routine already, and I get all confused in the morning when my kids put on their backpacks. I long for the days when I can sleep in until 7 a.m.

Some things I am looking forward to over the next three months: Sun. Sleep. Puppy breath. Pancakes. Red mud. Washing feet off in the hose. Story telling on the front porch. Cornea-scorching sunsets over shadowy green fields. Crickets chirping. Stars. French braids. Pink cheeks. Willow trees. Singing to the radio. Lightning bugs. Sunscreen. Juice boxes in the cooler. Slobbery baby kisses. Throwin’ a little woo at Caleb and seeing what sticks.




About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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