a new song

Everyday that I wake up without being blown away by a tornado or swept away by a flood or swallowed up by the ground from an earthquake? Is a good day. (Oklahoma: GAH.) But this day is particularly good–sitting here, had my quiet time, got my coffee, a tiny cuddly puppy in my lap, the sun is softly coming up and everything outside is glowing just for me.

Four weeks ago, I was cluster-bubbling ways to kill myself. 

(Don’t worry y’all. Suicide takes a lot of planning and brainpower and just plain old work, and, lucky for me, I’m not all about that world.)

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. –Psalm 40:1-3

Things change fast. Life has its ups and downs. It will get better.

God is with me and will watch over me wherever I go, that is His promise. (He said it; He said it a lot.) Some people would ask “Well, why then did He let you get that low?” And the answer is I have no idea because I’m not an expert on God and I don’t know who is.

But here is something for real: I am stronger and braver each time He helps me through something bad. And the whole time I was in my fog He was there waiting to lift me up and out. I feel like a man in motion; all I need is a pair of wheels and also a radical stonewashed jean jacket WUT!

Perspective: a lady with beautiful healthy children in a large sturdy farmhouse smack dab in the middle of a free country had nothing on half the people in the world when it comes to problems. There are women on the front lines literally fighting evil with their bare hands, and dealing with more tremendous pain and adversity than my spoiled mind could ever dream up. (Can you even believe what’s going on in Iraq? Uh, pleasednotpleased to meet you, Satan.  Imma need you to find your silence and die.) Gotta be on guard, guys, whether you’re fighting for your sanity or for your actual life.

Depressed? Anxious? Hurting? Scared? Lonely? Don’t give up. It will get better.

Things that have worked for me:

  1. Prayer–Jesus saves in the realest way.
  2. Sleeping–early bedtimes! Early bedtimes for you, early bedtimes for you, and you and you–all of you get early bedtimes!
  3. Eating–but not junk food.
  4. Exercise–majorly. To the point of sweating to death and gagging on thin air.
  5. Friends–and laughing with them.
  6. Mom–because duh.
  7. The Pollyanna Glad Game–count your blessings one by one.
  8. Grooming and good hygiene in general–who knew?
  9. Writing. This blog.
  10. Medicine-no shame, y’all.

Running has been the torture of choice because who really has the patience for walking?  Here were my views from this evening’s run that I saw through my stinging sweaty eyes while bugs flew up my nose:




About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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