Some days are hard, like you just hate every thought that pops into your head and you catch yourself scowling but you can’t make yourself stop.
My mouth feels like frowning and my arms feel like punching but really I would just love to lay down and not move any muscles at all because I am exhausted. Everything good I ever felt in my heart is tainted and rotten. Every song I ever loved now makes me angry. Every memory makes me sick.
I float through some days and go through motions and wake up in the morning not remembering what was said the day before, and only dreading the coming hours leading up to the next time I can lay in bed not sleeping. I’m so tired of being awake and aware.
My body aches and I feel like there is a knife just stuck right in my heart. I don’t want flowers or notes or kind words or help or talking or anything. I just want to sleep and forget.
I want to write about how sweet children are or how sovereign God is or how I know I will eventually get through this, but today is not that day.
I leave my happy place of work and my friends go about their lives and my kids read in their beds and all my bright lights go out and I am left cold and dark and scowling and brewing and I pray that God would make my head stop thinking sometimes.
And then Thin Lizzy comes on the radio and Merrick rocks out and Arbor belly laughs and Mia chatters next to me in the front seat, and I smile. A friend sends an encouraging text and I pray and the clouds part and I can take a breath and I can even laugh and things are not so hopeless.
So maybe today is that day, and I will be fine, feelings are temporary and this too shall pass, and the good things about me are not dead and I can breathe and love and share and the sun is shining and God is in charge.
“Always think about what is true. Think about what is noble, right, and pure. Think about what is lovely and worthy of respect. If anything is excellent or worthy of praise, think about those kinds of things.”