Six weeks and five days

…since God took my life from good to bad to good the bad but good way. One day I will look back at all of it and smile but today is (still) not that day. Guys? Do know this: if you’re ever in a place where you don’t understand what God is doing and you can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, He’s got it handled–even if it’s in the (seemingly) most nonsensical way the great green world has ever known.

In February I prayed for a stronger faith. I prayed for wisdom and discernment and patience in the way Caleb and I raise our kids. I prayed for the love my husband and I shared to grow–like, grow ridiculously to a ridiculous level that even my ridiculous imagination couldn’t pull off in my wildest dreams. I prayed that our love for Jesus and our commitment to Him would just go from decently deep to straight-up stupid. I prayed for kindness and understanding and peace in our home. I prayed for all the things a lover of Christ and a mother and a wife and a girl could possibly think to pray for and I prayed for them passionately everyday without believing for a second that those things wouldn’t one day become reality.

I had specific ideas about how all of it would develop and unfold, and as usual, God’s ways were higher than my ways and His thoughts were higher than my thoughts.

The actual process has been nightmarish on a good day. And I am not the same. My family is not the same. Nothing feels the same.

But Jesus–He IS the same and that’s something I’ve had to learn to absolutely cling to, on days when I am so overcome with sadness or confusion; when I don’t want to make an effort, when I don’t want to get better, when the only words my head can even think of to offer up in prayer are simply “God, I can’t.

Jesus is the same and He sees and He knows.

And He tells me “It’s okay that you can’t. Because that’s what I’m here for. And you don’t see it right now, but all of this? Will be used for something so great, and you’ll be stronger. Your faith will be stronger. Your husband’s faith will be stronger, and your kids’ faith will be stronger. And the love you have for me and for my people will be straight-up stupid. And the world will be all like ‘Wow, Jesus did this? Nice!’ Because that’s the end game. Keep fighting the good fight. I am right here with you.”

Guys, we cannot possibly do miraculous things in our own power. It simply will not work. We might pull off something kinda cool in the short term, but without embracing our spirit-side and without nurturing our relationship with God, we are 1) in essence, turning from Him (YES: There is no spiritual neutral.) and 2) depriving ourselves of blessings we’d never receive or understand outside of Jesus, and a power we’d never harness going it alone.

God wants to bless us–not with money or cars or new houses, not necessarily with attractive husbands or happy kids or tons of friends–He wants to give us peace, and courage, wisdom, patience, and love, and so much more than can be described in words from a human head.

These things I want. These things He promises. I might be penniless and alone in two years, but happiness is not a guarantee–true joy, though, is a mark someone who loves God. I might not be comfortable, but He is my comforter.

Everything is different. Everyday is hard. But I am looking up–and it is getting better.

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About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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