Caleb and I are going on a date.
And not just any date–an overnight date that involves dinner not at Subway and possible nighttime activities such as SLEEPING, glorious sleeping.
Snag #1: where the heck do we go and what do we do? This has halfway been figured out as we have decided that our time alone would be most efficiently spent as local as possible (dinner in downtown OKC followed by a solid 18-hour nap.)
Snag #2: for those of you who know what’s up, Caleb stopped aging ten years ago. I’ve made my peace with God about this and, for the most part, have been able to deal with my husband’s irrepressible attractiveness in places like home, church, home, home, home, and Walmart.
He will no doubt be looking super foxy for our night on the town and I?
The issue I am running into, aside from mom-bod, is an issue of clothing. Right now my best option is the frayed cardigan caked with the least amount of banana and kids’snot. From what I can tell, outfit selections from affordable shopping locations offer little variance between “stay-at-home-mom” and “totally-hookerific-Imma-need-some-serious-spanx-to-pull-that-off-and-not-even-then”.
So, stylish wives: when you go out, WHAT DO YOU WEAR? How do you do your hair? Is lipstick still a thing? Are high heels absolutely essential? How dressy is too dressy?
Do you all just have teams of helpers at the ready for occasions such as these? When do you even shop? DO you shop? Where? How?
And then, when you’re all dolled up with places to go, how to you act?
SNAG #3: I AM AWKWARD.
My comfort zone is tiny, so mostly I kinda wanna just go peruse the aisles at Bass Pro and people-watch in my ratty old t-shirt and tennis shoes. Once I went to the movies in a black dress and high heels and dang near broke my ankle stepping off the sidewalk. I’ve never quite gotten the hang of acting demure, but I can tell inappropriate jokes in a killer Scottish accent like nobody’s business. I cannot even imagine what I could possibly talk about with my husband over a nice dinner in nice clothes at a nice place. What if I choke? What if I get moody and start a fight? What if I step off a sidewalk and break my ankle?
Well there you have it. After twelve years of potty training, and t-ball, and grocery shopping and yoga pants and messy buns and saving money and not dating my husband, I have forgotten how to girl. I need coaches and personal shoppers and stylists cause I can’t even deal.