All my sweet young college girls who I have such a heart for because everytime I look at any of you I see my own daughter, take heed: Let’s say that a guy you’re seeing continually tells you he’s not looking for anything serious/he just wants to have fun/he’s not ready to commit. These words spoken in English, translated literally, mean: “Hey girl. You are at least mildly hot and I’m bored and/or lonely. I am ok with selfishly using your body and taking up your time only while it is convenient for me, and, on the days when it is not convenient, please refer to the times that I warned you how un-special you were.” He DOES NOT MEAN: “Hey girl. I’d be ready to settle down if you can prove to me you’re worth it.”
I could go delve so much deeper and offer up more spiritually-inspired advice, but for the sake of time let’s just stick with worldly common sense for now.
I am so serious. This guy? He thinks he’s clever because he has stated his intentions up front and he can’t be blamed for any cruelty he commits towards you either intentionally or unintentionally. (Even though everyone knows you don’t take the time to tame a fox and then just leave it alone on a planet all by itself.) He told you, right? He’s covered. Your heartbreak is your own fault. And it kind of is.
Let’s say you stick with him and he manages to pull his crap together long enough to think he’s ready for a wife. Know what that marriage is going to be built on? Not honor and respect. Actually, more like lust and convenience. And eventually, both lust and convenience fade. Hard.
I’m not saying it’d be hopeless, but if you don’t take the time (preferably in the beginning) to learn to understand and respect your spouse, your marriage will be dominated by anger and frustration, disappointment and bitterness. You will throw so much of your heart into trying to prove your worth to him, even subconsciously, only to find that nothing you say or do changes the way he sees you.
It could be 11 years, a few drywall repairs, and several thousand dollars of marriage counseling to even begin to correct course.
But THIS GUY. He has wonderful qualities. You see them–you believe he is special.
Pull yourselves together ladies! Do not forget that YOU are something special. You are a treasure, a compassionate human being with a heart as big as a lion, and you are worthy of so much more than last minute after-dinner plans or a random midnight text.
Are you helping him in anyway by enabling him to be the laziest version of himself? We are not responsible for anyone else’s irresponsibility–but what would happen if girls stopped being booty calls and started calling men up? (Not out, but up. Huge difference.) What if you respected yourself in such a way that anyone who had an inclination to date you would have to seriously consider stepping up his game? What if we rejected not the person, but the giant pile of bull crap they’re trying to pass off as a twisted form of nobility?
I can’t speak for the people who are okay with casual relationships, but I do offer a word of caution: at some point, it will stop being casual for at least one of the involved parties.
But to that bright-eyed hopeful girl who is dating someone who is way less into her than she is into him? To her I would say: he is his own problem; your goals and your feelings matter so much more than his temporary mild disappointment. You can’t change him or control him with your words, your looks, or your actions. You should not be faulted for wanting kindness and respect from the person you’re with.
The proper response to a funboy: “Oh, you’re not looking for anything serious? Well then I’m not someone you need to hang around then, since it will be extremely hard for you not to fall in love with me. And since my standards dictate I only spend time with men who are honorable, respectable, dependable, and unselfish, I am afraid that your falling in love with me would be tragic, because truly you don’t even have a chance at this point.”
And then go forth and treat yourself right by not allowing anyone else to treat you wrong.