Maternity fashion 101

If I had a dime for every healthy recipe pinned or fitness article posted on social media today, I could hire a personal chef and a trainer and I wouldn’t even need to look at said healthy recipes and fitness articles.

But nobody pays me for my observations unfortunately, so here I lazily sit, eating string cheese and Greek olives for second breakfast, and hunting for maternity clothes online because I am fast approaching the point of no return where the next time I wear regular pants could very well be my last, and y’all better watch out, cause buttons will inevitably be popping.

Maternity clothes are horrific to shop for, because Exhibit A:

I can’t wait to wear this piece of material, which won’t cover my backside, or heck, even my frontside!” Said no pregnant woman ever.

My good people, I have done this multiple–and I do mean multiple–times: This lady isn’t real. She was created in a lab by Russian scientists. This sweater was designed for a toddler. Even the most adorable pregnant woman is never “all belly”, which is a vicious myth that well-meaning people perpetuate to make the gestating population feel better about their weight gain.

Maternity Fashion Advice from an Unfashionably Pregnant Person:

Tip 1: Everything gets bigger and that’s okay. Wear things that you make you feel happy and that you aren’t constantly tugging at or adjusting.

Tip 2: Comb your hair and brush your teeth. OOPS.

That’s it. Unless you’re worried about Melissa Rivers ripping your outfit to shreds on national television, this could apply to everyday fashion outside of being pregnant.

The fact that I’m holed up in bed without any current obligations to attend events requiring clothes is helpful. I have no intention of dropping a few hundred bucks on a wardrobe that doesn’t leave the house, or at this point, the bedroom.

Sometimes I do dream about the day when Caleb and I can go out on a date and he will look over and smile at his cute pregnant wife in her sweater-dress, Walmart-manicure, and muppet extensions; but then I’m all like “These ten-year-old sweatpants are mad comfortable” and I make him play the extreme version of “M.A.S.H.” with me while I steal half his nachos. WINNING.


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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