Feeding wolves

For the record: today, forgiveness is hard. Today, forgiveness just isn’t my world; it cannot possibly be required of me today. Today, I wanna bring up old shit because, know what? It’s all the sudden fresh in my head. I feel beaten and abandoned. Today all my scars are itching, and my head is pounding, and I am tired. And all the wrong doers who wrongly did wrong to me need to suffer, if only just a little bit, because dangit–I suffered. I still suffer. I thought suffering would go away by a certain point, but as it turns out, some hurts will never ever completely fade away.

And I don’t want to pray about it. Why should I? That friend needs to pray. That family member needs to pray. That dang spouse needs to pray. Not me. I want to wallow in my anger and sadness and jealousy and of course, sarcasm:

Today it’s not fair, and bitterness is festering in my heart, and not only am I allowing it to fester, I have been feeding it.

Maybe it’s lack of sleep. Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones. Maybe it’s just, idk, Satan tryna drag me and everyone else down.

You guys.

This day of all days is when I need to pray the most. This day is when I have to read my bible, it is when I must continue to forgive.

This is when my friend, my family member, my dang spouse, needs me to show love and mercy instead of hate and discouragement. This is when doing the hard and holy things is not only at its hardest but at its holiest. I’m not capable in my own strength.

This is when I need to remember that I, too, have been forgiven, and I have received grace and mercy. (Grace: getting good things I by no means earned. Mercy: not getting what I did deserve.) Because my relationship with God is based on these things, so must it be with others. And when I boil it down (well, when it is boiled down for me) forgiveness is required of me every day–it’s a pesky non-option if I expect to be forgiven by my Father in heaven. (Mathew 6:14-15)

Today is when I must put aside my wrath, and bitterness, and strong urges to throw all the shade. Today I chose compassion and gentleness and love. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

And I breathe.

And I keep trusting the One who is always trustworthy. And I keep going.


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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