Day 4,081

Week 34: I am without an ounce of energy. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t walk, and can’t think. Not even really sure how I’m moving my fingers to type or how my brain is coming up with words right now.

All I do is burp. Sometimes I weep softly, like when I’m lying on the couch helplessly burping.

It boggles the mind to think that I waitressed at a busy cafe when I was this pregnant with Mia, or that I walked three miles in the soupy heat of a Florida August one week before I gave birth to her. Pregnancy is definitely meant for the young…

…And for the stupid–I cannot tell you how many things I worry about that never crossed my mind ten years ago. What if my platelets are too low I can’t have an epidural and subsequently die from pain overload? What if I went into labor at home by myself? What if I have to have a c-section and then I throw up, what happens to the stitches? What if my baby is a dwarf? What if my baby is too gigantic? What if she is a gigantic dwarf? Do we need a special car seat? What if we can’t settle on a middle name?

Also, you guys? It’s May and I miss the beach. I put on “Soul Surfer” one morning while I was miserable just so the waves in TV could calm me and then a shark came and gobbled an arm and now Arbor won’t stop flipping out and I’ll probably never be able to get her to the beach again.



Baby’s room is coming together, and by that I mean it is completely cleared out and empty and ready for us to put on the final touches, and all the other touches that come before the final touches. I have discovered online shopping–which is magnificent for burpy couch-ridden humongously-pregnant old ladies–and baby stuff is arriving daily. Things are coming together; my only concern is getting through the next 4 weeks with all my mental facilities in tact.

I’ve never been so scattered or emotional. (Which is saying so much, for real.)

Everyone in the family is awesome. My friends are awesome. Caleb is awesome. The dogs are awesome. We have a hedgehog now and it is awesome as well.

And although I am physically down for the count, life is good. More than good.

Caleb’s mom moved up to Oklahoma last year and has been such a tremendous help and encouragement to us. The past several months have overall been wonderful–it’s nice having after-church family get-togethers; someone to meet in town for lunch; an actual mother-in-law to talk to and laugh with and sit next to in church. The kids love having a local grandma who comes to their games and school plays and science fairs. They think it’s just so cool to stop by Grandma’s little house when we go in town and eat their weight in Dum-dums. She dotes on them–absolutely dotes–and it’s a beautiful thing.

Even more beautiful is the opportunity my husband has been re-given to do what sons do for their mothers. I’ve watched him go from bitter to forgiving; from remorseful and worried to light-hearted, caring, and protective. There has been a strengthening of his faith and a restoration in their relationship; I’m so extremely proud of the changes he’s gone through as a person to get to this point. It’s so good for my heart to know that I have married a man who unselfishly forgives–and asks forgiveness–and who loves and takes care of his family.

I thank God for making possible moments like this.


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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