under control

Thursday morning, 7:30 a.m., approximately 20 degrees outside. The 9 year old boy heads out the door wearing a hoodie without the hood.

Me: “I hope you’re wearing a jacket!”

Son: “It’s okay. I’m not cold. I don’t need one.”

Me: “Oh yes you do!”

Son: goes and grabs hoodless hoodie #2. *

*I black out from a cross between mild peevedness and hypercarnal rage.

Me: (with Attila the Hun eyes) “Get on your new big coat.”

Son: “Aw mom, seriously? I’ve worn it the last two days.” (I guess this line of reasoning means it cannot be cold for more than two days in a row…?)

Me: (clenches teeth, counts to ten, breathes deep, and LOSES CRAP SO UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY THAT EVEN THE DOG WENT AND PUT ON A COAT.) 

“First of all, you better do what I tell you to do when I tell you to do it! Second of all–HUH UH! You better stay here and look me in the dad gum eye when I’m talking to you! Second of all: it’s twenty freaking degrees outside, it is winter and it won’t stop being cold until freaking April and I don’t want to see you reach for that door knob unless you have a mother-freaking coat and hat on! Boy! Have you lost your mind? Cause I’ll help you find it! 2 days in a row my freaking foot. Brand new coat. What the actual? Imma knock a kid out today. On this day.”

Son: obediently puts on coat and hat.

13-year-old daughter: dashes down the stairs and out the door wearing only a hoodie.

Jesus take the wheel, I cannot.

About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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