higher than my ways

I don’t always think about April 4th 2013, but when I do, I go back and read my thoughts from that time frame. So freaking much has happened in this short 5-year span that I might as well be a whole other person. From another planet where everything goes the opposite of what you plan, and it’s always hard but it’s always beautiful, and on this planet you are constantly not in control whatsoever and there’s a lot of crying but there’s even more laughing and you wouldn’t leave this planet for anything, unless of course something unexpected happens and you just have to–which it will, and you will, so accept it and look back on your life and cringe but also breathe a sigh of relief.

I read this entry: https://fightinginsanity.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/being-not-afraid/

…and I’d like to add to it. Poor sweet 33 year old Toni. Oh ye of little insight. Here’s what you should know:

1. Your daughter, your heart, your sidekick for part of your childhood and all of your adult life, has left. And she is gone, gone off and made a life for herself and she’s figuring it out on her own, and you survive. You didn’t shrivel up and die. And she didn’t either, so stop with the wringing of your hands and the endless worrying; you’re both ok, and she even comes to visit occasionally and when she does, it feels like diamonds sparkling in your house.

2. Your Mia: well, congratulations on not caving in on that guinea pig. Let’s see how long you can hold out on a cell phone, because you have a 13 year old who thinks ball is life and friends are life–if she were any more social she’d explode. It’s adorable, and those brown eyes get more and more beautiful. High school should be *fun*.

3. Your one and only son: you bought him a Hedgehog as soon as he blinked owlishly through the glasses that he barely ever wears cause he can’t be bothered to take five seconds away from one of his trillion projects. He is busy, antsy, messy, and brilliant and hilarious. Red cheeks and dimples and strong little arms and you could just die of pride.

4. And he’s a world-class big brother: oh, it happened. You have not one, but two tiny ones at home. A blondie and a brownie, two little girls. Curls curls curls and baby teeth and polka dots and rainbows and glitter toenail polish and Disney princess movies and pink milk and dancing and twirling and your home could not possibly be more joyful.

5. That husband of yours: he will always keep you on your toes but resist the urge to divorce him or murder him, and instead just love him.

6. You do still live in Oklahoma but now you live in more Oklahoma complete with a big white farmhouse on acres, surrounded by fields and fields of green and dusty gravel roads, plus magical technicolor sunsets that knock the breath out of you; falcons and coyotes and your very own chickens. And you have seen a twister, and it was more sickening than it was awesome, and now you have an underground shelter.

7. Life is harder than you thought but better than you ever dreamed.

8. Even though it’s tempting to throw up your hands when church people get weird, God is always near: even when things are frustrating or complicated or scary. 

9. And even though it’s tempting to withdraw from the world because governments and other powers that be look to have us in WW10 before WW3 begins, God is near and He has not given you a spirit of fear.

10. And it will all be ok. Promise.


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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