Dude Toni

I’m down for the count with mutant strep plus what is not the flu but what feels like mono on steroids and it’s friggin freezing and I’m bundled up like the lady of Winterfell in my home avoiding society and obsessive-compulsively cleaning all surfaces within eyeshot when I have the energy which is not really at all.

I’m missing out on everything fun and cool but I did waste a good bit of time taking unnecessary quizzes online to find out that my personality is dominated 100% by friendliness and gregariousness (I had to look up the meaning of gregariousness) and also checking out what I would like as a distinguished older gentleman, because priorities.

He’s no God’s gift to women but I wouldn’t classify Dude Toni as completely repulsive either. In his younger days he might have been mildly attractive. I wasted the rest of my time rotting from strep wondering what Dude Toni’s life has been like and why he looks so crappy for 37.

Dude Toni, for starters, drew pictures of superheroes and cars and sold them to his friends for $2.00 instead of the female Toni’s average selling price of $1.00, because Dude Toni didn’t really care about being nice so much as he did making money.

He took his earnings and pierced one ear for no other reason than he thought it looked badass; he removed it eight days later and pretended it never happened when his Dude friends started making fun of him.

Dude Toni was not nearly so concerned about honor in his college years and therefore proceeded to make a lot of mistakes and bad choices with a lot of shady people. He got lost for a year or two before putting his head on straight and proceeding onward with his life having suffered zero tangible consequences, as boys do.

Dude Toni might have joined the military, or have become a serious journalist, or a doctor, or a pizza maker or basically anything. He would have moved to any city and traveled anywhere, anytime, because he was not afraid of ruffians, thugs, or men with pointy teeth.

Dude Toni would have made a lot of money and Dude Toni would have spent it all in any way he saw fit.

Dude Toni would not be contemplating having a sixth child in his late late thirties because he woulda done did had 12 kids by now since it’s not him birthin’ the babies.

Dude Toni would not feel left-out or butt-hurt over cool crap he saw his friends doing on Facebook because Dude Toni would not be on Facebook and neither would his dude friends (and also because he was killin’ it on Twitter.)

Dude Toni would be the funniest most fun dad ever and Dude Toni would have drawn pictures for his wife and made pizzas for everyone and told stories to the grandkids and tooled around in a barn like old men do.

Dude Toni would’ve gotten the gigantic tattoo and not thought twice about it.

Dude Toni would’ve laid dying in his bed with the man flu.

Dude Toni would do so much just because he was a dude.

I’m just sitting over here all jealous of Dude Toni so I suppose it’s time for me to bail and contemplate gratefulness cause being a woman is pretty cool I guess, and Dude Caleb is awful grateful that I am one.


About Toni

Mom. Wife. Artist. I take care of the kids and pretend to clean sometimes. I can cook spagetti and I have never been arrested. View all posts by Toni

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